I felt the need to speak out on this, even though it doesnt have to do with adoption.
I recently left (for good) a 8 month relationship. She and I both had emotional issues we were dealing with, but weeks ago, I started seeing a difference. I never knew who she would be from one day to the next, and in the end I had no idea she was who she turned out to be.
I sit here now, with a swollen eye, that is brused purple, because I told her I was leaving for good.
PLEASE, if you know someone who is in this kind of relationship, do what you can to help them leave. PLEASE dont sit by and think they will get out when they are ready. PLEASE dont assume they can do it on their own. PLEASE dont think they are stong enough to take care of it.
In the end,w e all need someone to tell us we are worth it, and if the person we are in a relationship is telling us we are not worth it, then we need someone else to tell us we are.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
My life isnt ALL about adoption
Yes, thats right, my life is not all about adoption. Shocking, isn't it?
I have come accross quite a few people with quite a few differnt views on my life and the choices I have made, but, it really doesnt bother me. Yes, I did place my son in adoption, but not because I wanted to give him away, but because I wanted to give him more then I had. I already had a child I was trying to take care of, and I knew I couldnt care for another one. And its days like today when im glad I made the decision I made.
Today my life isnt about adoption, its about the H1N1.
When this thing first came out, it was all over, "(this many) people died this year fromt he swine flu.", "The local schools were shut down due to an outbreak of the flu, H1N1 results have not come in yet.", "the swine flu is taking over!" OK, so look...
I myself, just like everyone else I am sure, was scared shitless to get H1N1, i really thought I would die from it. Then they shots came out, and Im like dude... I get sick as a dog from the normal flu shot, I dont even wanna think about what that one would do to me. So, i didnt go get the shot, and i didnt get it for Kat either. So, my daughter and I are not vaccinated. No big deal, right?
WRONG.
Last tuesday, I got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I wasnt too thrilled. Anyways, I got home, and started feeling crappy. My first thought was that this is my bodys way of telling me what lays ahead of me. So, I took about 3 hot baths, and laid down in bed, but I couldnt sleep. around midnight, I started throwing up, and around 1am, my first fever spike hit. Not fun...
Wednesday morning, I wake up, kat gets on the bus, and I drive myself to the ER - my vomit is like dark green, yea, not too sure what that was all about. Anyways, they pumped me with fluids, and sent me home. Never even sent out blood work, just, told me I had a virus, and have me some Motrin. NICE
Thursday, I feel like Im on my death bed. I cant move, I cant eat, I cant cough because i'll just throw up what I dont have inside me. And its getting harder to breath when I go up and down the steps. THAT is not like me at all. Im a bigger girl, but Im also healthy, and can easily take every flight of steps in our house and not miss a step, a beat, or breath heavy.
Friday morning comes, I call the doctors office - go back to the ER. OK!
Get into the ER, and they have me there for a while. I have Pnumonia, but the quick flu test came back negative... PHEW! that was close, I was scared I was going to have H1N1.
"So the quick test is only 50/50, sometimes it catches it, sometimes it doesnt, so we need to take llike a gallon of yoru blood a few skin graphs, a kidney biopsy, and possibly half a lung!" WHAT THE!!! Ok, just kidding, but they did say it only catches it half the time. So then why did they do the test at all?
Anyways, that was it, they admitted me, and thank god they did, because the H1N1? Came back positive
Today is Monday, and they are goign to send me home. But for now, I am getting dizzy, and need to pay back down. I'll fill in the 2 day gap when I get up.
I have come accross quite a few people with quite a few differnt views on my life and the choices I have made, but, it really doesnt bother me. Yes, I did place my son in adoption, but not because I wanted to give him away, but because I wanted to give him more then I had. I already had a child I was trying to take care of, and I knew I couldnt care for another one. And its days like today when im glad I made the decision I made.
Today my life isnt about adoption, its about the H1N1.
When this thing first came out, it was all over, "(this many) people died this year fromt he swine flu.", "The local schools were shut down due to an outbreak of the flu, H1N1 results have not come in yet.", "the swine flu is taking over!" OK, so look...
I myself, just like everyone else I am sure, was scared shitless to get H1N1, i really thought I would die from it. Then they shots came out, and Im like dude... I get sick as a dog from the normal flu shot, I dont even wanna think about what that one would do to me. So, i didnt go get the shot, and i didnt get it for Kat either. So, my daughter and I are not vaccinated. No big deal, right?
WRONG.
Last tuesday, I got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I wasnt too thrilled. Anyways, I got home, and started feeling crappy. My first thought was that this is my bodys way of telling me what lays ahead of me. So, I took about 3 hot baths, and laid down in bed, but I couldnt sleep. around midnight, I started throwing up, and around 1am, my first fever spike hit. Not fun...
Wednesday morning, I wake up, kat gets on the bus, and I drive myself to the ER - my vomit is like dark green, yea, not too sure what that was all about. Anyways, they pumped me with fluids, and sent me home. Never even sent out blood work, just, told me I had a virus, and have me some Motrin. NICE
Thursday, I feel like Im on my death bed. I cant move, I cant eat, I cant cough because i'll just throw up what I dont have inside me. And its getting harder to breath when I go up and down the steps. THAT is not like me at all. Im a bigger girl, but Im also healthy, and can easily take every flight of steps in our house and not miss a step, a beat, or breath heavy.
Friday morning comes, I call the doctors office - go back to the ER. OK!
Get into the ER, and they have me there for a while. I have Pnumonia, but the quick flu test came back negative... PHEW! that was close, I was scared I was going to have H1N1.
"So the quick test is only 50/50, sometimes it catches it, sometimes it doesnt, so we need to take llike a gallon of yoru blood a few skin graphs, a kidney biopsy, and possibly half a lung!" WHAT THE!!! Ok, just kidding, but they did say it only catches it half the time. So then why did they do the test at all?
Anyways, that was it, they admitted me, and thank god they did, because the H1N1? Came back positive
Today is Monday, and they are goign to send me home. But for now, I am getting dizzy, and need to pay back down. I'll fill in the 2 day gap when I get up.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Medical history
Sometimes its hard for me to hear about my little man getting sick, but its eaven harder to know that im sick.
I am so glad im in an open adoption, but even more so because I know that things like medical history can be shared. This way, they can know about something I might be going through, and they can let me know about anything Keaton is going through. I have other kids, so, its good to know if something is hereditary, if i should look out for it with the other two.
Anyways, thats something to think about. If you are going into a closed adoption, make sure you provide all of the medical history you possibly can! And if you are in an open adoption, fully open or semi-open, make sure you are passing that information back and forth.
I really think the health of our babies is whats most important. So, know whats going on, or what could be going on is the best plan of action.
I am so glad im in an open adoption, but even more so because I know that things like medical history can be shared. This way, they can know about something I might be going through, and they can let me know about anything Keaton is going through. I have other kids, so, its good to know if something is hereditary, if i should look out for it with the other two.
Anyways, thats something to think about. If you are going into a closed adoption, make sure you provide all of the medical history you possibly can! And if you are in an open adoption, fully open or semi-open, make sure you are passing that information back and forth.
I really think the health of our babies is whats most important. So, know whats going on, or what could be going on is the best plan of action.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
October 28th, 2009
Birth Mom Buds!!!
I have to give major Kudos to Coley and Lani, the founders of Birth Mom Buds (www.birthmomdubs.com).
They created a web site for women who are; pregnant and thinking of placing, women who are in the process of placing, or women who have already placed. This site offers so much for the birthmoms, and also for AParents to find out what its like from a BMoms point of view.
Sometimes we just need to get things out, but dont want to tell the AParents, and sometimes the AParents want to know things, but are too scared to ask the BMom. This site is an amazing wealth of knowledge, and resources for anyone in the adoption triad.
Pleasse check it out if you have any questions about, or are concidering adoption. I've never had the pleaser to talk to Lani, but I know Coley is the most amazing BMom I have ever met. But, being back in the BMB Circle, I know I will meet many more!!!
Please e-mail them i you have any questions, or you can e-mail me and I can give you any information I have!
Cleveland_nc@yahoo.com
I have to give major Kudos to Coley and Lani, the founders of Birth Mom Buds (www.birthmomdubs.com).
They created a web site for women who are; pregnant and thinking of placing, women who are in the process of placing, or women who have already placed. This site offers so much for the birthmoms, and also for AParents to find out what its like from a BMoms point of view.
Sometimes we just need to get things out, but dont want to tell the AParents, and sometimes the AParents want to know things, but are too scared to ask the BMom. This site is an amazing wealth of knowledge, and resources for anyone in the adoption triad.
Pleasse check it out if you have any questions about, or are concidering adoption. I've never had the pleaser to talk to Lani, but I know Coley is the most amazing BMom I have ever met. But, being back in the BMB Circle, I know I will meet many more!!!
Please e-mail them i you have any questions, or you can e-mail me and I can give you any information I have!
Cleveland_nc@yahoo.com
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
October 27th, 2009
I think the one thing we always take for granted, is the one thing thats sitting right in front of u. We see it every day, we interact with it every day, and we just assume it will be there every day.
Thats not always so.
I once had a friend tell me that letting something go, and waiting for it to come back is bullshit. Well, i guess thats why I chose open adoption. I nevr have to let him go, and I never have to wait for him to come back, at least not by my choice.
One other thing I will never take for granted? My Girlfriend.
I never knew what letting go ment untill I found her. Not because I let her go, but because I thought I woudl have to, long story, and its not ment for this blog. But, she also helped me let go of all the guilt I still felt for the adoption. after 3 long open years, i still felt guilty, and felt bad. But she made me see, and made me feel, that it was, and always will be the right coice, even in the bad times.
Thats not always so.
I once had a friend tell me that letting something go, and waiting for it to come back is bullshit. Well, i guess thats why I chose open adoption. I nevr have to let him go, and I never have to wait for him to come back, at least not by my choice.
One other thing I will never take for granted? My Girlfriend.
I never knew what letting go ment untill I found her. Not because I let her go, but because I thought I woudl have to, long story, and its not ment for this blog. But, she also helped me let go of all the guilt I still felt for the adoption. after 3 long open years, i still felt guilty, and felt bad. But she made me see, and made me feel, that it was, and always will be the right coice, even in the bad times.
October 27th, 2009
If anything, Im lucky. Its just that simple.
My daughter is a blessing to me, because she really keeps me on my toes; my son, as much as I dislike his father at times, is being taken care of, and my BirthSon?? He is so blessed, and so am I, to have found such an amazing family to place him with.
Keaton recently turned three, like litereally just days ago. I got to talk to him on his birthday, and we also got to go to his birthday party. It amazes me sometimes how open his family is with he and I. The one thing his Mommy said is, her son will have no secrets, and his Momma is the most wonderful person I know. Yes.... he has two moms, well, three if you count me :)
Anyways, you can go through my past blogs, and read them all, from just days after the placement till today. It really tells an amazing story of two families becoming one. I know that open adoption does work for everyone, or that some people wish they could have had an open adoption but didnt, or that some people were forced to give their child up for different reasons.
Just be wanred, this blog is me pouring out my soul. For women who are pregnant and need to know what it could be like, for women who have an open adoption and need to know "if this is normal", and for aParents who just have questions they wish they could ask the bMom, but are too scared to.
But, to those of you who are in a closed adoption, those of you who have never seen a photo, or gotten a letter, or heard your child say "I Love You", your not alone. I have been told for 3 years that my situation is more unique then anyone else's, and so far thats been true.
My daughter was involved with doctor visits, their daughter was involved with Doctor visits, they took turns finding the baby's heartbeat. They were both at the Entrustment Ceremony, and my daughter was there the day Keaton was born.
Keatons Momma coached me throguh labor with my moms help, and his Mommy cut the umbilical cord. It was everything I wanted.
Sure, sometimes i sit there and cry over wishing i had just one more day with him, or that I cut the cord, but... when i get in my right mind, and i think back to it, all of those things are what built the special bond between both families, and that it one thing i never want to loose, and never want to think about living without.
My daughter is a blessing to me, because she really keeps me on my toes; my son, as much as I dislike his father at times, is being taken care of, and my BirthSon?? He is so blessed, and so am I, to have found such an amazing family to place him with.
Keaton recently turned three, like litereally just days ago. I got to talk to him on his birthday, and we also got to go to his birthday party. It amazes me sometimes how open his family is with he and I. The one thing his Mommy said is, her son will have no secrets, and his Momma is the most wonderful person I know. Yes.... he has two moms, well, three if you count me :)
Anyways, you can go through my past blogs, and read them all, from just days after the placement till today. It really tells an amazing story of two families becoming one. I know that open adoption does work for everyone, or that some people wish they could have had an open adoption but didnt, or that some people were forced to give their child up for different reasons.
Just be wanred, this blog is me pouring out my soul. For women who are pregnant and need to know what it could be like, for women who have an open adoption and need to know "if this is normal", and for aParents who just have questions they wish they could ask the bMom, but are too scared to.
But, to those of you who are in a closed adoption, those of you who have never seen a photo, or gotten a letter, or heard your child say "I Love You", your not alone. I have been told for 3 years that my situation is more unique then anyone else's, and so far thats been true.
My daughter was involved with doctor visits, their daughter was involved with Doctor visits, they took turns finding the baby's heartbeat. They were both at the Entrustment Ceremony, and my daughter was there the day Keaton was born.
Keatons Momma coached me throguh labor with my moms help, and his Mommy cut the umbilical cord. It was everything I wanted.
Sure, sometimes i sit there and cry over wishing i had just one more day with him, or that I cut the cord, but... when i get in my right mind, and i think back to it, all of those things are what built the special bond between both families, and that it one thing i never want to loose, and never want to think about living without.
Monday, October 26, 2009
coming up on two years 10-06-08
coming up on two years
I "abandon" this profile long time ago, because i thought, "My adoption is different, i dont need to talk to someone about it, its amazing."
Well, its been a year, and time has proven me wrong. nothing has chnged, they are still the most amazing parents i codul have ever chosen for my son; but i think i was mistaken when i thought i wouldnt have any problems. And i dont have any problems with them, I have problems with myself. There were things that happened n the first three days of his life i wish i could have changed, but they are over and done, and I cant go back and change them now. So, i deal with those feelings of guilt, and loss, and regret. But i very seldom use those words. I dont like them, because people always view them as negative.
But, here I am two years later, and things are good...
R & H are amazing, and they have a great family, i couldnt have asked for more. But there are still times when BirthParents wonder, "what if i took 5 more minutes?"
Well, that 5 minutes is come and gone, but i know with R&H i have years to come. But, there are atill those days.. and yep, there will still always be those "but"s... i think its natural. I hope it is, lol. I talk about them all the time, have pictures of all of them hanging up a work, and pray that there are other aParetns out there like them for bParents like me. I know im a special case.. I have a daughter at home, she always talks about both of her brothers. And its good, because when Kathleen as me about Keaton, I can be open, and say what i think... because its ALWASY good.
Pretty soon he will be having surgery, and it scares the crap out of me. Part of me thinks, "I shoudl take the day off so i can be there." But then I think more about it, and wonder, "Why? He has two amazing parents who will be there to take care of him, and they will tell me how things go! He will be just fine!!"
But then i cry a little, because i miss him. But he is always with me in my heart, i just know that he is in a better home.
2008-10-06 18:08:03 GMT
I "abandon" this profile long time ago, because i thought, "My adoption is different, i dont need to talk to someone about it, its amazing."
Well, its been a year, and time has proven me wrong. nothing has chnged, they are still the most amazing parents i codul have ever chosen for my son; but i think i was mistaken when i thought i wouldnt have any problems. And i dont have any problems with them, I have problems with myself. There were things that happened n the first three days of his life i wish i could have changed, but they are over and done, and I cant go back and change them now. So, i deal with those feelings of guilt, and loss, and regret. But i very seldom use those words. I dont like them, because people always view them as negative.
But, here I am two years later, and things are good...
R & H are amazing, and they have a great family, i couldnt have asked for more. But there are still times when BirthParents wonder, "what if i took 5 more minutes?"
Well, that 5 minutes is come and gone, but i know with R&H i have years to come. But, there are atill those days.. and yep, there will still always be those "but"s... i think its natural. I hope it is, lol. I talk about them all the time, have pictures of all of them hanging up a work, and pray that there are other aParetns out there like them for bParents like me. I know im a special case.. I have a daughter at home, she always talks about both of her brothers. And its good, because when Kathleen as me about Keaton, I can be open, and say what i think... because its ALWASY good.
Pretty soon he will be having surgery, and it scares the crap out of me. Part of me thinks, "I shoudl take the day off so i can be there." But then I think more about it, and wonder, "Why? He has two amazing parents who will be there to take care of him, and they will tell me how things go! He will be just fine!!"
But then i cry a little, because i miss him. But he is always with me in my heart, i just know that he is in a better home.
2008-10-06 18:08:03 GMT
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