Meet The Robinsons

I remember when this movie came out. I had no idea it was so strong about adoption, it just looked like a funny movie. As a matter of fact, the only thing I DO remember about the previews was when Luis says, "Your dog wears glasses?" and Grandpa says, "Yea, his insurance wouldn't pay for contacts" Kathleen went around the house saying it for weeks. So, as soon as Alex came up for a visit, I took them both to see it.

Classic!! They both loved it!

But, the movie started to unfold from the opening credits. 

This little boy was "abandon" on the steps of a city orphanage and the movie unravels his young life trying to get adopted with all these interviews with parents looking for a child. He finally gives up, and decided to create an invention that will pull an imagine of his BirthMom from his mind so that he can go looking for her. 

But the invention doesn't work, and soon he is whisked away to the future by a boy who needs his help fixing a time machine. Soon he is in a futuristic world where cars fly, Dogs wear eye glasses, men marry puppets, and family fun is had with Meatball cannons at the dinner table (Dude!! Im there with the cannons, I still want to get one for us!!)

In the end he find out this family is his family as a result of an adoption that finally took place. 

He then returns to the past, as promised by his son, to see his BirthMom before she walked away. 

What he decided to do set the curve for the movie. It was, amazing, heart breaking, and made me so happy. 

The ending credits roll with "These Small Wonders" by Rob Thomas. Dear God, that has to be my #1 song now that reminds me of Keaton. 

anyways, if you havent seen the movie, there is lots I havent told you, GO RENT IT!! GO BUY IT!!! Its a must-see, must-own movie!!

Remember

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

My Birth Right

A lot of people ask me what rights I have to my son; Keaton.

People assume that because I placed him into an open adoption that my rights were severed and no longer exist. Sorry, your wrong.

I placed him with the most amazing couple because as his BirthMother, I had the right, and the duty to make sure he had everything i knew I couldnt provide at the time.

In the state of Ohio, you have to wait three days to sign over your parental rights; and during those three days, I spent time with Keaton's parents, and with my family. I had plenty of time to think over my decision; after 72 hours, I would be signing away all legal rights to him. Ah, but thats where it ends. Or does it?

I was lucky enough to have almost my entire pregnancy to get to know his parents. I remember making a phoen call to them after my first in-office unltrasound, and this was befor eI even had met them. I proudly let them know that "Your baby is doing great!" I knew from the first few e-mails that they were the couple for me. And twards the end, I told his Mommy "I am still waiting for a reason not to pick you two, but I just cant seem to find one." She smiled and comment, "Well, please stop looking!" and we laughed 

I may not have any legal rights, but I have my birth rights, and responisilibites.

My birth rights?

He will always be a child that I nurtured and cared for in my womb. I tookd care of him in a way only a birthmother can. I gave him 9 healthy months in utero; and then, I gave him a lifetime of love and possibilities. My birthright was to make the right decision for him. It was my right to love him, and caqre for him.

My legal right's said I could keep him, and get government assistance and raise him the best I could; my birth responsibilites were different.

My responsibility told me that I had to make syre my son was cared for in a way I couldn't. I had to make sure he grew up in a safe secure home; with at least one parent who is able to care for him in every way possible. I was just lucky enough to find a home with two amazing people to raise him!

So please, when you question why I "gave my son away" stop and think, because I didnt giv e him away, I simply gave him a better life. And when you question why I didnt love my son enough to keep him, stop and think; because I loved him enough to know I couldnt provide all the things for him that his parents can.

He has two forever Mommie's who love him more then anything. He has a huge, amazing family.

I am proud to say I am a Birth Mother; because the word "Birthmother means LOVE"

And not only do I love him, but I love his mommies and his sister too!! Such an amazing family.

I know I am just as blessed as he is to hae picked the parents I did.

I love you guys!!!

No New Photos

Well, its been almost 10 months since i got new photos in the mail. Chris (the possible father) contacted the parents and im scared they are backing away from a relationship with me.

I really wish i could feel better about it, but i just feel like crap. Idk...

BirthFather Blues

Im just really nervous.

a few months ago Keatons (possible) birthFather's mother got a detective to find out who his adoptive parents were. Well, after contacting them, I feel like his parents have become distant from me. We used to be SO close, but, not any more.

I am sure i am over reacting, and im sure that happens in cases like this. But it feels like its been forever sincei got an update about him (which isnt true, because i did talk to his Mom via FaceBook just a few weeks ago), and i feel like its been forever since i saw photos.

Well, Chris (possible bF) took some photos from my MySpace and FaceBook without me knowing, and he has them up on his personal page. I just really am hoping that they dont think I gave them the photos and thats why i havent gotten any.

Well, thats all for now. Im just really scared that this adoption is going to suffer on my end -

But one thing i always said, and will always believe in my heart- his parents wouldnt do anything unless they felt it was in his best interest.

(if you have followed my story, you know that I was with two different men within days of each other, I used protection with both, and neither were in a place where they could parent, nor was I. I didnt name a BirthFather on the papers, after much discussion with the Adoption Socal Worker I worked with - a huge decision, I do not regret)

Entrustment Ceremony

No matter what day it is, no matter what significance that day holds, I always think about the Entrustment Ceremony...

During this time, Keatons parents and I exchanged vows, and shared special time with all of our family. We promised to always do what was best for Keaton, and to always fullfill our roles as his Mothers, Birth, Adoptive, or otherwise...

These were the vows I said to Keaton...

As I stand here tofay, holding you in my arms, I can look down upon you and already see the wonder in your eyes. Not only am I blessed to have brought you into this world, but you have blessed everyone here today, to have come into our lives.

I want you to know that as I look at you, I;m noting every little feature that you have. You image, right now, will forever be in my mind. I will never forget how peaceful you look right now, and I hold you in my arms.

You will always be my little one; my special baby boy. Today, I vow my love for you in a way only I know know how. Today, I promise to you that I will always keep you in my heart, even if not in my arms. I will always lobe you, and think about you, and even thought I may cry, rest asure they are tears of joy.

And although I may not take you home with me today, I will always carry you in my heart, mind and soul.

I promise to you that I have thought long and hard about the decisions I have made. And I will leave today, knowing I have made the right ones. The parents I have chosen for you are special in so many ways. But I am most certain you will find all those reasons out as you grow.

Althought I may not have chosen the most traditional family for you, I have chosen the one my heart rested with. Two wonderful Mothers who will love, care for, and raise you with all the love in their hearts. From day one I never had a doubt, that they were the only people I could have asked to raise you. And with that said, I know that all the reasons I believe this, will be reveled to you in time.

And these are the Vows I spoke to His parents...

Today marks a new page in out friendship together.

The child that I hold in my arms will from now on, and forver be, "our" son. I cannot express to you the feelings I have for the both of you. The love, gratitude, and the joy that over-comes me when i think of the life you will be giving him.

The times we have shared and the times that are still to come, will always be held in my heart. I truly believe, and have come to understand, that God brought us together for a very special reason. Not only have we created a special bond together, but so have our children. And now, when we leave here today, you will begin a new bond with our son.

I look at the two of you today, and I look at Keaton, and it is almosty strage to me how much I feel at ease. I can already see the bond that has been created between the three of you, knowing that bond started from before birth.

I was blessed to be able to share times with you that some BirthMothers are not able to share with the parents they have chosen for their child.

H ~ from the first time I contacted your family, you have been my biggest source of support. You have always reassured me that if was an open option. That at any time, if I should have changed my mind, you would have understood. That alone showed me that you understood the love a mother has for a child.

From our first meeting, the first ultra sound, the joy in your eyes when we found out he was a boy, to seeing you hold him just minutes after birth. All these things have made me loose any regret my mind may have held.

R ~ I remember the first time we said hello, and I remember that moment because you had your daughter with you. The first thing I ever noticed was how much you loved her that day. And although we had not had any conversation before then, I knew that day that only were you also a perfect choice for this child, but you were also a prefect partner for H. and that eased my mind of any doubts as well.

From the first meeting, to the first ultra sound, when I saw how proud you too were to find out you were going to have a little son, to watching you cut his umbilical cord and everything in between also eased any doubts I may have held in my head.

So, today, in front of everyone who is here today, I ask you for only one thing; to raise out son, the way I know only the two of you can; with the love of a mother, two mothers; two wonderful women whom without, I may have been lost before I ever foudn this day.

This is the Last Vow I gave to Keaton as his Mother...

Keaton, I love you baby, and you will forever be in my heart, but now its time to start your journey home. And as much as I wish that home was with me, I will always be happy with the decision I made. So now, I give you to the parents I chose for you, the parents who will always be there. Today we will go our separate ways, but some times soon, I promise , we will be together again, as friends, family, and as teo people who share a special bond that no one can take from us. But for now, it is time for you ro begin that same kind of special bond with your parents. I love you (at this point I handed Keaton to his new Parents).

During the ceremony, we lit candles, played special music (I played Talking to my Angel by Melissa Etheridge, and they played "From Gods arms, To my arms, to your" by Mark Schultz), then we all had a huge dinner at a local resturant... yes, all of us... my family, and their family... it was, AMAZING...

Christmas time...

So, I just want to repost this, because not all birth moms are lucky enough to have found a family like I did.

To all the birth moms out there who happen to be spending their first christmas without their baby... I just want to let all of you know I am keeping you in my prayers...

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,
Today I’ll write my list out,
It really isn’t much,
Maybe just a phone call,
A picture, letter, or such.

Its only been a month,
Plus a few days more,S
ince the day I saw them take,
My baby out the door.

I swore I wouldn’t cry,
and for days I didn’t dare,
I knew that he understood,
I know he knew I cared.

But this year my list will be different,
No CDs, candles or clothes,
I only want one thing from you,
And that’s to let him know I love him so.....

Perhaps this isn’t an order,
That you can fill yourself,
So maybe you can ask God,
If he can offer a little help.

After all He sent the angels,
that comfort my little man,
So maybe he could ease my fears,
I've done all I can.

So now I’ll close this letter,
With a thank you, and a please,
Send my boy a piece of my heart,
Because this Christmas he wont be with me.

Love Always,
A Birth-Mother

Sometimes its not all about adoption...

I felt the need to speak out on this, even though it doesnt have to do with adoption.

I recently left (for good) a 8 month relationship. She and I both had emotional issues we were dealing with, but weeks ago, I started seeing a difference. I never knew who she would be from one day to the next, and in the end I had no idea she was who she turned out to be.

I sit here now, with a swollen eye, that is brused purple, because I told her I was leaving for good.

PLEASE, if you know someone who is in this kind of relationship, do what you can to help them leave. PLEASE dont sit by and think they will get out when they are ready. PLEASE dont assume they can do it on their own. PLEASE dont think they are stong enough to take care of it.

In the end,w e all need someone to tell us we are worth it, and if the person we are in a relationship is telling us we are not worth it, then we need someone else to tell us we are.

My life isnt ALL about adoption

Yes, thats right, my life is not all about adoption. Shocking, isn't it?

I have come accross quite a few people with quite a few differnt views on my life and the choices I have made, but, it really doesnt bother me. Yes, I did place my son in adoption, but not because I wanted to give him away, but because I wanted to give him more then I had. I already had a child I was trying to take care of, and I knew I couldnt care for another one. And its days like today when im glad I made the decision I made.

Today my life isnt about adoption, its about the H1N1.

When this thing first came out, it was all over, "(this many) people died this year fromt he swine flu.", "The local schools were shut down due to an outbreak of the flu, H1N1 results have not come in yet.", "the swine flu is taking over!" OK, so look...
I myself, just like everyone else I am sure, was scared shitless to get H1N1, i really thought I would die from it. Then they shots came out, and Im like dude... I get sick as a dog from the normal flu shot, I dont even wanna think about what that one would do to me. So, i didnt go get the shot, and i didnt get it for Kat either. So, my daughter and I are not vaccinated. No big deal, right?

WRONG.

Last tuesday, I got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I wasnt too thrilled. Anyways, I got home, and started feeling crappy. My first thought was that this is my bodys way of telling me what lays ahead of me. So, I took about 3 hot baths, and laid down in bed, but I couldnt sleep. around midnight, I started throwing up, and around 1am, my first fever spike hit. Not fun...

Wednesday morning, I wake up, kat gets on the bus, and I drive myself to the ER - my vomit is like dark green, yea, not too sure what that was all about. Anyways, they pumped me with fluids, and sent me home. Never even sent out blood work, just, told me I had a virus, and have me some Motrin. NICE

Thursday, I feel like Im on my death bed. I cant move, I cant eat, I cant cough because i'll just throw up what I dont have inside me. And its getting harder to breath when I go up and down the steps. THAT is not like me at all. Im a bigger girl, but Im also healthy, and can easily take every flight of steps in our house and not miss a step, a beat, or breath heavy.

Friday morning comes, I call the doctors office - go back to the ER. OK!
Get into the ER, and they have me there for a while. I have Pnumonia, but the quick flu test came back negative... PHEW! that was close, I was scared I was going to have H1N1.
"So the quick test is only 50/50, sometimes it catches it, sometimes it doesnt, so we need to take llike a gallon of yoru blood a few skin graphs, a kidney biopsy, and possibly half a lung!" WHAT THE!!! Ok, just kidding, but they did say it only catches it half the time. So then why did they do the test at all?

Anyways, that was it, they admitted me, and thank god they did, because the H1N1? Came back positive

Today is Monday, and they are goign to send me home. But for now, I am getting dizzy, and need to pay back down. I'll fill in the 2 day gap when I get up.

Medical history

Sometimes its hard for me to hear about my little man getting sick, but its eaven harder to know that im sick.

I am so glad im in an open adoption, but even more so because I know that things like medical history can be shared. This way, they can know about something I might be going through, and they can let me know about anything Keaton is going through. I have other kids, so, its good to know if something is hereditary, if i should look out for it with the other two.

Anyways, thats something to think about. If you are going into a closed adoption, make sure you provide all of the medical history you possibly can! And if you are in an open adoption, fully open or semi-open, make sure you are passing that information back and forth.

I really think the health of our babies is whats most important. So, know whats going on, or what could be going on is the best plan of action.

October 28th, 2009

Birth Mom Buds!!!

I have to give major Kudos to Coley and Lani, the founders of Birth Mom Buds (www.birthmomdubs.com).

They created a web site for women who are; pregnant and thinking of placing, women who are in the process of placing, or women who have already placed. This site offers so much for the birthmoms, and also for AParents to find out what its like from a BMoms point of view.

Sometimes we just need to get things out, but dont want to tell the AParents, and sometimes the AParents want to know things, but are too scared to ask the BMom. This site is an amazing wealth of knowledge, and resources for anyone in the adoption triad.

Pleasse check it out if you have any questions about, or are concidering adoption. I've never had the pleaser to talk to Lani, but I know Coley is the most amazing BMom I have ever met. But, being back in the BMB Circle, I know I will meet many more!!!

Please e-mail them i you have any questions, or you can e-mail me and I can give you any information I have!

Cleveland_nc@yahoo.com

October 27th, 2009

I think the one thing we always take for granted, is the one thing thats sitting right in front of u. We see it every day, we interact with it every day, and we just assume it will be there every day.
Thats not always so.

I once had a friend tell me that letting something go, and waiting for it to come back is bullshit. Well, i guess thats why I chose open adoption. I nevr have to let him go, and I never have to wait for him to come back, at least not by my choice.

One other thing I will never take for granted? My Girlfriend.
I never knew what letting go ment untill I found her. Not because I let her go, but because I thought I woudl have to, long story, and its not ment for this blog. But, she also helped me let go of all the guilt I still felt for the adoption. after 3 long open years, i still felt guilty, and felt bad. But she made me see, and made me feel, that it was, and always will be the right coice, even in the bad times.

October 27th, 2009

If anything, Im lucky. Its just that simple.

My daughter is a blessing to me, because she really keeps me on my toes; my son, as much as I dislike his father at times, is being taken care of, and my BirthSon?? He is so blessed, and so am I, to have found such an amazing family to place him with.

Keaton recently turned three, like litereally just days ago. I got to talk to him on his birthday, and we also got to go to his birthday party. It amazes me sometimes how open his family is with he and I. The one thing his Mommy said is, her son will have no secrets, and his Momma is the most wonderful person I know. Yes.... he has two moms, well, three if you count me :)

Anyways, you can go through my past blogs, and read them all, from just days after the placement till today. It really tells an amazing story of two families becoming one. I know that open adoption does work for everyone, or that some people wish they could have had an open adoption but didnt, or that some people were forced to give their child up for different reasons.

Just be wanred, this blog is me pouring out my soul. For women who are pregnant and need to know what it could be like, for women who have an open adoption and need to know "if this is normal", and for aParents who just have questions they wish they could ask the bMom, but are too scared to.

But, to those of you who are in a closed adoption, those of you who have never seen a photo, or gotten a letter, or heard your child say "I Love You", your not alone. I have been told for 3 years that my situation is more unique then anyone else's, and so far thats been true.

My daughter was involved with doctor visits, their daughter was involved with Doctor visits, they took turns finding the baby's heartbeat. They were both at the Entrustment Ceremony, and my daughter was there the day Keaton was born.

Keatons Momma coached me throguh labor with my moms help, and his Mommy cut the umbilical cord. It was everything I wanted.

Sure, sometimes i sit there and cry over wishing i had just one more day with him, or that I cut the cord, but... when i get in my right mind, and i think back to it, all of those things are what built the special bond between both families, and that it one thing i never want to loose, and never want to think about living without.

coming up on two years 10-06-08

coming up on two years
I "abandon" this profile long time ago, because i thought, "My adoption is different, i dont need to talk to someone about it, its amazing."
Well, its been a year, and time has proven me wrong. nothing has chnged, they are still the most amazing parents i codul have ever chosen for my son; but i think i was mistaken when i thought i wouldnt have any problems. And i dont have any problems with them, I have problems with myself. There were things that happened n the first three days of his life i wish i could have changed, but they are over and done, and I cant go back and change them now. So, i deal with those feelings of guilt, and loss, and regret. But i very seldom use those words. I dont like them, because people always view them as negative.
But, here I am two years later, and things are good...
R & H are amazing, and they have a great family, i couldnt have asked for more. But there are still times when BirthParents wonder, "what if i took 5 more minutes?"
Well, that 5 minutes is come and gone, but i know with R&H i have years to come. But, there are atill those days.. and yep, there will still always be those "but"s... i think its natural. I hope it is, lol. I talk about them all the time, have pictures of all of them hanging up a work, and pray that there are other aParetns out there like them for bParents like me. I know im a special case.. I have a daughter at home, she always talks about both of her brothers. And its good, because when Kathleen as me about Keaton, I can be open, and say what i think... because its ALWASY good.
Pretty soon he will be having surgery, and it scares the crap out of me. Part of me thinks, "I shoudl take the day off so i can be there." But then I think more about it, and wonder, "Why? He has two amazing parents who will be there to take care of him, and they will tell me how things go! He will be just fine!!"
But then i cry a little, because i miss him. But he is always with me in my heart, i just know that he is in a better home.
2008-10-06 18:08:03 GMT

Entry for November 10, 2008

Entry for November 10, 2008
Well, we just passed the 2 year mark nd so much has happened.
R&H have been amazing, and i still love them to death!
Keaton is having some health issues, so isnt growing as much as he should, but he is still a pretty smart kid! (Just like his BMom, lol)
everything went pretty smooth, there were a few points where i cried like i needed to, but, other then that, i think it was pretty smooth.
But if i have to say one thing, it woudl be this; if it hadnt been for the adoption being open, i dont know if i could have gotten this far the way I have.
If your reading this R&H, you two have been an amazing blessing, not only to Keaton, but to Kathleen and I as well!
2008-11-11 02:52:23 GMT

Entry for February 11, 2007

Entry for February 11, 2007
Well, its been a while, but, as many people know, birth-mothers cant, and really try not to let their lives evolve around the adoption.

But, i have been talking to my sons Momma a lot, she has really been helpfull during the last week or so of my life.
In hopes that the PAP's i talked to read this, i wanted to remind them of something, or share my experience i guess.
I want people to realise that, sometimes, keeping in touch with the birth-mother, or birth-parents is good. Its not always about the adoption, its also about making a connection to people that society views as more normal then us birth-parents.Its hard for us, because a lot of the time, society views us as benieth them, and we want a connection to the "in" crowd. And alot of times, the relationship with our childrens aParents is the best connection we could have.
It helps us to knwo that we ARE people too! We are not baby machines! We are normal people who deserve respect, and smiles just as much as the next person. We stood up when others may not haven been able to, and said "We cannot handle this situation, and we are not willing to let our child go through the pain and siffering they would if i dont go through with this." We are willing to put our children first, even if it means letting this child be someone elses son or daughter.We live every day remembering, but not living for the adoption. I have two other children, and "H" has been halping me in those situations. She drops in a comment here and there about Keaton, and thats great. I love to hear those things. But it has become more of a friendship than anything else. It is like hearing about a friends new baby, not my child that i have lost a connection to. And that is what has made this adoption work so greatly. And i think even if physical visits werent in our plan, the friendship we share, and the way she treats me (as an equal) makes it easier, and it eases the pain.
On a great note, i am SO EXCITED! I'm going to be visiting on the first weekend of March. My birthday is that tuesday, and i have to say, this will be the best birthday present i'll be recieveing this year. Not only do i love seeing Keaton and his sister, but i also enjoy being in the presence of "R" and "H" because they really do treat me as an equal.It easy for me to say, "Uh oh, i think he wants his mommy!" and laugh it off. Because to me, it is funny, and cute. It reminds me of then my best friend, sisiter, aunt, or mom woudl hold my daughter or son, and he woudl start crying. As much as they wanted to comfort them, it was nice to know i was the one they wanted. And knowing that they are Keatons comfort reassures me that i did the right thing. And seeing the happiness in their life grow, makes me proud to have followed Gods plan.
Well, im not sure when i will be back again. Sometimes i want to get on and write, but i have a lot going on. And sometimes, i really dont have much to say other than "Im doing great!".
I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentines day!
2007-02-12 02:58:58 GMT

Comments (1 total)
Author:Anonymous
If you are really interested in a supportive forum for birthparents, that supports adoption but understand the sadness and pain that happens after placing, join us at http://www.adoptionfriendly.com/index.php--AFF2007-02-15 01:46:57 GMT

One Year ago 02-21-07

One Year ago
Feb 21st, 2007, 6:10am;I had to go into work early. My period was 3 days late. I knew i wasnt pregnant, so i took a test just to ease my mind. I knew it woudl come back negative, and then i could go on with my life swearing up and down never to sleep with another man!
I was sitting in the direty bathroom at my old job. It smelled like cheep cinnamon air freshiner ( i hate that smell). The sink was 4 feet away, and the table was touching my knees it was built so close.I pee'd in the cup, and dripped it onto the stick. I set the stick on the table, and flipped through a magazine. Nothing interested me, it was just to pass time, plus, i had looked at that magazine so many times while i sat on that table during breaks smoking cigarettes, it wasnt even funny. a 2005 issue of US Weekly. 5 minutes passed... "thats long enough, right?"
I looked at the test,... purple... what does purple mean? Dont these things say "pregnant" or "not pregnant" now!?!?
Blue- Not pregnant...... Purple- Pregnant.
Crap....

2007-02-21 06:34:39 GMT

01-07-07

Speaking to PAP's
Today i spoke to the Prospective Adoptive Parents at the adoption center that took care of my adoption.
It was hard, but it was awesome to talk to them. I loved being able to open up and tell them how i felt as a birth mother, but i felt like there was just something missing. Oh YEA! their questions!
I was kind of disapointed, because only three of the women were asking questions, and dont get me wrong, they were GREAT questions, but i kind of would have liked if them men asked questions too. The wifes and girlfriends arent the only ones adopting the baby, but, oh well. I guess the women woudl ask more of the questions, since, the speaker (me), is a woman.
It was exciting though, telling them about my experiences, and my journey. I really wanted them to know that it is just as hard for us to let go of our children as it was for them to let go of the ability of having children.
Anyways, it was great, and i am so glad they allowed me to come and speak to the group! I really do hope some of them stop by my blog once in a while to give a view from the birth mother. After all, if it werent for birthmothers, the adoption process would be a bit harder, huh? lol
And to my BMB's, i love you all! And im so glad to know all of you and your journeys!
*hugz and kisses*
2007-01-07 00:52:29 GMT

Comments (1 total)
Author:Anonymous
As one of the PAPs that attended the session, all I can say is thank you. As much as we've read and as much as we've heard from the agency or other adoptive parents, hearing about your experience and your feelings in your words was one of the more incredible experiences we've had so far in our adoption journey. We would feel honored if we were lucky enough to be matched with a woman as brave and as honest and as thoughtful and as nurturing and as empathetic and as respectful (and as funny) as you are. What a wonderful and important role you play by sharing your story - with us, through this blog, with others. When you shared the "thank you" poem that R or H (I can't remember which) shared with you during Keaton's entrustment ceremony, it touched me deeply and truly captured how I feel about the amazing gift of open adoption. Anyway, thanks again.--A hopeful mother-to-be2007-01-14 06:37:02 GMT

The strangest dream 01-16-07

The strangest dream
I had the weirdest dream yesterday while i was taking a nap.
i had a dream I had Keaton here with me. I signed the surrender, and R&H had custody, but, he was here with me. I was changing him, showing him off to my family, feeding him, clothing him, making his bottles for the day... it was just really weird.
I kept telling everyone who he was, and who his parents were, they all knew i went through with an adoption, but there i was, at my grandmas, for a family reunion, and it was just really weird.
He had a bedroom at my home, a crib, dresser, etc. but, i KNEW he was R&H's son, i told everyone he was. the weird part aboutit, was they were no where around.
It really gave me a weird feeling i cant describe... not sad, not happy, not upset, or uneasy... just strange...
In the end, the only thing i canget out of it is that, he will know me, and he will know my family... Im blessed for that
2007-01-16 21:45:17 GMT

Comments (1 total)
Author:Anonymous
Maybe your dreams are providing an emotional balance for the way things are in your waking life.--A Friend2007-02-15 22:35:23 GMT

switching around the negative thoughts 12-28-06

switching around the negative thoughts
I talked to a friend today, and she really needed my help. She called me with questions about someone she was having trouble with. Not as in, they were causing trouble, but she was having questionable thoughts about it sometimes. So, i told her what i do when I question my own thoughts or personal situations.And now, i want to share them with you, because i think they might really help with any situation, not just adoption. I listen to what someone says, and i take every word they say as truth. But, i also make myself ready, if that situation should change. This way, i have a reason to believe what they say, and i have reasons to understand the reasons why if things should change. Since this is my adoption blog, i'll use my open adoption entry for the example.What I was told: This will be an open adoption, and i will be able to see my son grow up.Why I can believe this statement:1) I know H & R are wonderful people, and they would never lie to me.2) I know H & R love their children, and they want them to know where they came from, and I am the borth-mother of their son.3) H & R and I got to know each other very well, and we have an understanding and trust in eachother.4) H & R want me to be able to be there to help answer any questions that Keaton might have when he grows up, and in order for me to do that, we need to keep the lines of communication open.5) I need H & R to be there for me to answer any questions I might have about Keaton, and i need to be open and honest with them to keep that available to me.What could happen: They could change their mind, and i may not see Keaton again till he is 18, if he decides to look for me.Reasons I can understand this situation if it happens:1) I know H & R will only make decisions that are best for Keaton.2) I know H & R would only do this if they felt Keaton was in danger, or in harms way.3) I know if they felt this was best, then i can trust their judgement.4) I choose these parents for Keaton, and I have to understand and accept ANY decisions they choose for his life-path.5) I know that no matter what choices H & R DO make for Keaton are in his best interest, and they will everything possible before breaking the ties between Keaton and I.
So, you see, no matter what happens, I will have good reasons to understand why that happened. So, if i see him grow up, i know it is becuase we have trust, and love for each other. But, even if i dont see him grow up, we STILL have trust and love for each other. I chose there women to parent my son. I chose this life for him. I chose this life-path for him. BUT, before i made this decision, GOD had it all mapped out. And no matter what happens, it is what HE had planned. If its hard for me to see Keaton, i know God will help me through my fears and tears. If I smile when i leave his side, i knows its because God is putting joy in my heart, to see him with the family he was ment to be with. But, if they stop communicating with me, and ask me to step away, I know it was Gods plan for me to do that, and I will sit back (maybe crying, but understanding), and wait for God to lay out his next brick for this adoption path i am walking. Days may be filled with crying, misunderstanding, confusion, and fear, but my God will always be there, to hold me mentally, and emotionally. In the end, he will always be there for me. When the moments come that i can smile for Keaton and his new life, i know its God wrapping his arms around me and hugging me. It is God telling me he is proud of me, and thankfull that i fullfilled his plan, without letting anyone stear me off that path.Anyways, i hope some of this can help you. I want you to take this, and walk away withthe thought that maybe you can try this, even if just for a few days. It helps, expecially when you are in a depressed, or unhappy mind state. And write it down, dont just think about it. Your mind can play games sometimes. The devil can swim in your thoughts, but only God can controle your eyes. But remember, write it down, and reread it. Remind yourself that these things are real, and these things are believeable.
I also want you to know that, over the few days after Keaton was at his home, H called me almost daily, and it made me realise that, everything i wrote down was true. This adoption is open, and we do have trust and faith in eachother, and I believe everything they say. But, on the bad days, when i get scared, i use this to reassure myself that things will be OK.
H always tells me not to worry about tomorrow. And even though sometimes i do, this helps to ease my mind.**Thank you H & R for helping to bless my sons life so immensely! I love the both of you!**
2006-12-28 04:23:23 GMT

News Letter 12-22-06

News Letter
Today i got a news letter from Robin and Heather in the mail. It also had a picture of the kids in it.
I was so happy to see it.
Its hard to explain, but just like when i saw my name on the dedication invitations, when i saw my name on the news letter, i just beamed!
2006-12-22 04:29:21 GMT