"I have a dream"... The Triad Blog

“I have a dream….” is the start to one of the most amazing speeches, given by the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. But I think everyone has a dream. My daughter has a dream that she will win the talent show, my fiancé has a dream that “gay marriage” will be legal one day so we can be recognized, my mom has a dream that one day I will be straight (LOL); but I have my own dream.

I have a dream that one day, all members of the adoption triad would come together and understand each other’s walk of life. Sadly, my dream is the hardest of all. Not all members can fully sympathize with the others.

A woman who cannot bear a child is grieving a loss of a child who she cannot birth.

A woman who places a child for adoption is grieving a loss of a child who she bore and placed with another 

family.

A child/adult who was adopted cannot understand fully the reasoning behind their BirthMother placing them, not have they felt the pain of being unable to have a child.

A adoptee who grows up and is unable to have a child, and decided to adopt, or who grows up and has a child that they feel they need to place in adoption for whatever reason – that is the only way they could fully understand the pain, but never the circumstances. Neither of which do I want my son to go through, EVER.

I think the closest we could come to this, and I wish someone would just do it, is write a book, with families who are willing to be fully open about the adoption and the circumstances surrounding it. The parents, and why they chose the adoption path, the BirthMother, and why she chose to place her child, and the Adoptee, and how they felt growing up know, or not knowing, and how they feel, as an adult.

I will always and forever be 100% open and honest with ANYONE who ask about my adoption. When I am asked how many children I have, I proudly say “I have three, Kathleen lives with me, Alex lives with his father, and Keaton was placed in adoption when he was born. But it’s an open adoption, so I get e-mails, photos, visits, it’s really great.”

I’m an open-mouthed advocate for Open Adoption. If it’s possible, and mentally possible for the BirthMom, then I think it should be the only option. But there is only one problem with that – Adoption is legal, the type of adoption, is not.

I remember with my adoption process (which I will go into detail with the next blog) was a long drawn out one. I met Keaton’s parents at only 12 weeks, and they took the whole journey with me. I knew, before our first physical meeting, that they were the ones for  my son. There was no question about it.

Many BirthMom’s grow older, and wish they had made a different decision, but me? I will never change my mind about the women I entrusted my son’s life with.  I chose them and God chose me. I wouldn’t go back on that for anything. I love all three of them, and I know Keaton is right where he belongs.

The situation that brought me to them was so different, so special, so, strange, that there was no other option for me. I can only hope that all other BirthMothers could find such peace with their adoption as I have found with mine.

As ANY relationship, we have had our ups and downs, and I have my insecurities. But I pray on it, and I feel blessed, in the end, to know that I was picked to bless this family with the son they had been waiting for.

In my next blog I’m going to go over my journey again, using clips from my older blogs. I hope it helps you all understand why I found so much peace with my journey. I have had many, many people tell me this adoption is clearly, and completely UNIQUE, and after hearing other’s journey, I have to agree. 

Remember

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

From open, to.... something else

I keep going over things, again, and again. The Birth Plan, the Adoption Plan, the papers, the knitting, the prep, the lunches, the dr visits. And I still stand by what I said, they are amazing people.

But things never work out the way you plan. And this adoption is no exception. I wanted big things, great things for Keaton, and he has them, I guess that should be the most important thing. But then my selfish side creeps in, and I want to know about those things.

The communication used to be every few weeks, then it went to every few months, and now, it seems like im being ignored. But I know in my  heart that they are busy - H is a full time student now, and R works full time. And in reality, there is nothing stating they have to contact me to keep me updated. I guess I just hope they do.

But this year, I didn't get anything from them - No Christmas card, no yearly update letter, no pictures. I almost feel like I'm slowly being erased. I have dreams of them removing my photos from his room. I have dreams of them ignoring him when he ask about me. Someone please tell me that these are legit fears! I feel like I'm losing my mind half the time.

Some days I want to dig through his Memory Box, and other days I want to collect every single thing in this house that reminds me of him and pack it up. But I don't. Its not logical. He is still very much alive, and he isn't that far away.

But things were going to be so different. I remember H sitting there telling me how much they wanted me to be involved in his life, how they never wanted to cut communication because they could see how much I love him. But was that just to get me to follow through with the adoption?

Then the whole BirthFather situation, and my ex. I think thats why they cut communication. But I wish they would give me a chance to explain, a chance to show them that those people are no longer a part of my life.

Then the whole seperate bedrooms thing is killing me. We went to his Birthday party and Keaton openly told me, "Momma sleeps in this room, Mommy sleeps in that room." I didnt have the nerve to ask why, I just smiled and said, "Ok! Can you show me your room?" of course I knew where his room was, I had been there before. We walked in and I asked him if he knew about the build-a-bear, and we talked, for about 3 minutes about it. But, he was more interested in jumping on the bed and showing me how he could touch the ceiling.

But now, 4 months later, I have e-mailed, asking for pictures they took of us that day, and have gotten nothing. It scares me, to think they may not want contact anymore. I just wish they would tell me. Not knowing is the hardest part. Not knowing what their plans are, makes me feel like I'm frozen in time, waiting an a response to an e-mail I sent, but hasn't been read yet.

Remember

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

Christmas time

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I cant help but wonder what Keaton is doing today. I wonder if he is very excited for Santa to come see him tomorrow night.

I wonder if he has gotten pictures with Santa, and wish I could have one. I wonder what R&H got him. Is it a gift I would have chosen? Or is it something I would have had no clue to pick out. 

This time of year is hard for me, hard for everyone. This year I will be missing more than just Keaton. 

This is the second year without my Grandmother, and it still feels like the first. I will lay in bed tonight and cry, and cry. Tomorrow I am sure I will spend a lot of time over tears. Its funny, but as much as I know others will be crying on Christmas, missing her, I would just feel out of place if I let them see me cry. 

I havent put the gifts under the tree yet, I just dont feel the Christmas spirit yet. The cookies are (almost) all baked, and the gifts are (almost) all wrapped, but something just doesnt feel right. 

I look over to my book shelves every day and look at the Candy Dispensers and notice only two missing. One I let my Aunt Janet keep - the Christmas one - and one I gave to Alex to take home. 

This year, missing Keaton isn't so hard, its missing my Grandma Fraser that is breaking my heart into a million pieces....

Part of me wishes I could just skip Christmas and New Years, and go right to January 2nd. 

Part of me just wishes I was a little kid again, down Grandma's basement for a New Years Eve party.

Remember

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

Holidays and Such

Well, another year has passed...
This year I got to attend Keaton's Birthday, it really wasn't the same as the last one.

But soon after, the holidays started;
Halloween, (which really isn't a Holiday, but more of a fun day)- I always wonder what he wore, how much Candy he got, where they went, how far they walked. Did they check the candy? How do they check the candy?

Then Thanksgiving - I wonder where they went, if they mentioned me at all, or his sisters BirthMom; if they gave thanks for us. I wonder where they ate, what they had, if Keaton thought about me, if they thought about me.

Its strange, no matter how busy I am, they always pop into my mind, I always think of him, Always.

Now Christmas is coming.

But that will have to be for another post, because I dont think I could handle that blog right now...

Remember

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

Birthday #5!!!!!

Well, the last time I saw Keaton was at his 3rd Birthday party. I loved being there, but it was deffinetly too long ago.

Well, I finally got a response back from his parents. All with just cause. I know they are both super busy - one works full time, the other in school full time, both taking their hand in raising the kids - but it sucks when we lose communication for a while.

While im sure ANY birth mother goes through the same thing, adding my depression and anxiety to it is never good.

But, like they say, all good things must come to an end. And its not an end to the openess, just the great amount of communication.

I guess the one thing I always will regret, is never having him meet my Grandma.

Other than that, I have  no regrets.

I have to do whats right by them, and by Keaton. And I agree 100% with their decision to not forge anymore bonds or relationships with anyone else. He is their child. They have to do what they think is best.

Anyways, In the e-mail, I was invited to his 5th Birthday!!!

Cant wait to see him. I am so excited <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

From Then till Now

This has been, the longest two years of my life...

But I will never label anything a mistake.

I have been confused, and hurt, and it had made me rethink a lot of decisions in my life, but I will never regret placing Keaton up for Adoption.

But there is one thing I do regret.

When I got pregnant with Keaton, I had slept with two different men, one who was a close friend, who, in all reality, was my first true love. But the first loves are clouded with misjudgment and often filled with unrealistic things that we only want to see, and not what is truly in front of us.

The second was someone who was just a friend, we would talk, laugh, cook dinner together, watch movies - we were just friends, the sex was NOT part of the plan. I was living with my Aunt, and I was alone. My friend at the time, Kristy, introduced me to him, and we went out for a few drinks, and he invited me over the next weekend for movies. We both made it clear we didn't want to be involved with anyone, but both of us enjoyed the others company.

The night with Chris, we smoked, and had sex... I dont remember much, but I remember sex was part of it, and so was protection.

The two nights with Aaron involved sex, and protection.

The pregnancy was not supposed to be part of either.... But it happened, and for a good reason.

Look, I have had my fair share of emotional issues to deal with, some not so bad, some horrific. But here I am, making it through them all.

I told both, and from Chris, I got talk it wasnt his, to leave him alone, etc.

From Aaron, I got that he wanted full custody or an abortion. I opted to lie about an abortion, as I refused to let this man take custody of a child when in all honesty, I had only known him a few weeks.

Adoption....

I withheld information on the birthfather, and IW as told I had the right to do so my the social worker. I told her about both Chris and Aaron, but also told her that I didnt believe either of them, nor myself, were stable to raise a baby. She agreed, and left the choice up to me.

I withheld.

Chris saw a photo of Keaton in my car one day when I picked him up from a rehab for break, and he started crying, "Oh my God, this is my kid. Patty, if you could see baby pictures of me you would know. This is my kid!!"

I told Chris about Aaron, even explained that Aaron and Keaton looked a lot alike.

And if you look at pictures, its hard. Chris and Keaton look a like as babies, but Aaron and Keaton look almost identical in current photos.

I accept that this is part of my own journey. But I also must respect the fact that Keaton's parents are not wanting or willing to build a relationship with either of these individuals.

But, then comes the pain.

Chris went behind my back and found out who Keaton's parents were, and contacted them.

First his mother told me that she was going to hire a private detective, and then he told me my ex gave him the information.

Chris asked me everything about Keaton, and I shared all the non-personal information (or what they call, non-identifying).

I shared his box - the adoption papers, I showed him the Birth Father packet that I left blank, and explained that I didn't know if I should add Aaron's info, or his, he said he understood. I showed him the scrap book from the Entrustment ceremony. I showed him the hospital bracelets, etc.

Well, in 2010 is when he went behind my back to contact them.

His mother messaged me on MySpace, and I told her I couldnt give her any info, not even first names, but I could contact the adoption agency and ask them what I can give. Well, before I had the chance, she and chris somehow found out who they were and e-mailed them.

I will never forgive them for that.

Since then, H started back to school and the communications have cut back severely. I'm sure to them its ok, but to me it sucks lol.

For the first 3 years we talked and exchanged e-mails all the time. But now, it takes a few months to get a response. While my heart completely understand, my mind plays games and tells me all the worst reasons.

I was up front with every one about everything, and now my honesty is coming back to bite me in the ass.

TBC....

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

Fears & Tears

I've been debating for the last Month and a half on sending my BirthSon a letter in the  mail. I think, I THINK, I have decided to send one to him, along with his parents.

I have sent them an e-mail, and each a message on FaceBook, but have not gotten a responce from either. Its heart breaking, you know? I dont like to contact them a lot because I know they are busy, but even a simply, "Hey, we got and read your letter, we will respond as soon as we get a free minute." would be more then amazing.

There is the me from 2006 that says they would never ignore me or brush me aside or push me out of Keatons life. But then there is the 2011 me who has been through so much since then that says they are slowly cutting contact with me because they feel im not a good link for Keaton right now.

It scares me, a lot. More then a lot. I've hidden Keatons Box behind my nephews Pack-N-Play, and it usually stays covered with a blanket. Its very hard for me to think about him. I will be honest, there are some days I try to NOT think about him. And I've succeeded at going even a week without thinking of him once. And its hard, but it sucks and releases the pain all at the same time.

I don't have anyone to talk to about it, and those who shared the journey with me those few days are emotionally and physically unavailable to me right now, so, I have no one to share memories with.

I want to talk to the people who were there with me about it; my mom about the hospital visits and the Entrustment ceremony, my Aunt about the day she picked me up from the Hospital and drove me home. I want to talk to my Sister about the ceremony, and the dinner she all shared that night - his new family and mine.

I want to talk to R & H about the dedication ceremony and visits with them the first two years. I want someone to talk to me, and tell me they remember to.

He is becoming more of a dream, and less of a reality. Something I try more often to forget then remember, because I cant deal with it on my own any more.

I can talk to my counselor all I want, but she was not there, she did not hold me when I cried, she cannot hold me when I cry.

And as much as I love Andrew, he does not know what type of emotions I am dealing with. he was not there. I feel as if all of this was a big dream - I find myself wondering if I dreamed it all up.

Was there even ever a baby? Are R & H the A-Parents? Who am I calling when I dial that number? Did the Entrustment ceremony ever truly take place? Did we all pack into that tiny corner restaurant by the church? Were those adoption agencies just places that my mind created?

Truth: I feel as if Keaton never existed some days, because I have no one to talk to about him.

Lie: I....... (fill in the blank)

*sigh*

Remember

you are LOVED,

always,

...Me