From Then till Now

This has been, the longest two years of my life...

But I will never label anything a mistake.

I have been confused, and hurt, and it had made me rethink a lot of decisions in my life, but I will never regret placing Keaton up for Adoption.

But there is one thing I do regret.

When I got pregnant with Keaton, I had slept with two different men, one who was a close friend, who, in all reality, was my first true love. But the first loves are clouded with misjudgment and often filled with unrealistic things that we only want to see, and not what is truly in front of us.

The second was someone who was just a friend, we would talk, laugh, cook dinner together, watch movies - we were just friends, the sex was NOT part of the plan. I was living with my Aunt, and I was alone. My friend at the time, Kristy, introduced me to him, and we went out for a few drinks, and he invited me over the next weekend for movies. We both made it clear we didn't want to be involved with anyone, but both of us enjoyed the others company.

The night with Chris, we smoked, and had sex... I dont remember much, but I remember sex was part of it, and so was protection.

The two nights with Aaron involved sex, and protection.

The pregnancy was not supposed to be part of either.... But it happened, and for a good reason.

Look, I have had my fair share of emotional issues to deal with, some not so bad, some horrific. But here I am, making it through them all.

I told both, and from Chris, I got talk it wasnt his, to leave him alone, etc.

From Aaron, I got that he wanted full custody or an abortion. I opted to lie about an abortion, as I refused to let this man take custody of a child when in all honesty, I had only known him a few weeks.

Adoption....

I withheld information on the birthfather, and IW as told I had the right to do so my the social worker. I told her about both Chris and Aaron, but also told her that I didnt believe either of them, nor myself, were stable to raise a baby. She agreed, and left the choice up to me.

I withheld.

Chris saw a photo of Keaton in my car one day when I picked him up from a rehab for break, and he started crying, "Oh my God, this is my kid. Patty, if you could see baby pictures of me you would know. This is my kid!!"

I told Chris about Aaron, even explained that Aaron and Keaton looked a lot alike.

And if you look at pictures, its hard. Chris and Keaton look a like as babies, but Aaron and Keaton look almost identical in current photos.

I accept that this is part of my own journey. But I also must respect the fact that Keaton's parents are not wanting or willing to build a relationship with either of these individuals.

But, then comes the pain.

Chris went behind my back and found out who Keaton's parents were, and contacted them.

First his mother told me that she was going to hire a private detective, and then he told me my ex gave him the information.

Chris asked me everything about Keaton, and I shared all the non-personal information (or what they call, non-identifying).

I shared his box - the adoption papers, I showed him the Birth Father packet that I left blank, and explained that I didn't know if I should add Aaron's info, or his, he said he understood. I showed him the scrap book from the Entrustment ceremony. I showed him the hospital bracelets, etc.

Well, in 2010 is when he went behind my back to contact them.

His mother messaged me on MySpace, and I told her I couldnt give her any info, not even first names, but I could contact the adoption agency and ask them what I can give. Well, before I had the chance, she and chris somehow found out who they were and e-mailed them.

I will never forgive them for that.

Since then, H started back to school and the communications have cut back severely. I'm sure to them its ok, but to me it sucks lol.

For the first 3 years we talked and exchanged e-mails all the time. But now, it takes a few months to get a response. While my heart completely understand, my mind plays games and tells me all the worst reasons.

I was up front with every one about everything, and now my honesty is coming back to bite me in the ass.

TBC....

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

Remembering the BirthMom

I sit here in almost tears, after reading only the first 6 pages of “The Girls Who Went Away: The hidden history of Women who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades before Roe v. Wade” by Ann Fessler.

I beg you, be it that you are a Child of adoption, a Birth mother, Adoptive Mother, or any other family member; read this book!

I was ready to read a stale story of a matter-of-fact adoption where the baby was swept away and there was a long long fight for information. Wrong…

My heart stings were pulled from page 2.

This woman Ann, has, so far as I have learned, a Mother who has a heart that aches for the BirthMother. For the child’s first 3 birthdays there was an extra candle placed on the cake for the mother? I have never heard of such a thing; such a beautiful remembrance of the life being celebrated. A life that has roots somewhere else longing to know if this child is ok; The celebration of not just one life, but two.

Sometimes I wonder if or how the BirthMothers of today are celebrated in the adoptive family.

It hurts to know that some of these families do not even let the child know they are adopted; do they know what they are keeping from them? It is not just about pictures and updates about the child, but there are updates about the birth family as well.

What if there are significant health concerns that are hereditary and could be passed along to the birth child? Or, what if there are health concerns that have arisen in the birth child that the doctor informs the parents, “This is a health concern for future children as well.” That information needs to be passed along.

How can these things be kept?

I applaud those who keep an open adoption, even if it is private. If this is a private intimate relationship the two mothers share, or a forged bond both families have created, it is one that needs to be made.

I understand that there are times when the BirthMother is just emotionally unable to have an open adoption, times when the child who is placed was conceived in a non-consensual way. But health is still a concern; physical, and mental.

I sometimes find myself crying, simply imagining Keaton calling another woman Mommy. But then I remember, I was blessed with the ability to chose his parents. I had months to spend time with them; at doctors appointments, social outings, dinners, etc. We all wanted to make sure this bond was best for him. And thankfully, it was not rushed, it was not a quiet thing, it was not a secret. I was able to speak out about it, and be loud about it.

I may not have screamed from the roof tops “I am placing my baby up for adoption!!!” But every time someone asked me how far along I was, and if I was excited, I smiled, said yes, and shared the adoption plan.

I didn’t need anyones approval, I needed more so, to hear it come out of my own mouth. Is this really what I was going to do? Was I really about to hand my child to this couple, and give up all my rights to him? Was I really going to agree to miss out on his first word, first tooth, first step, etc? Was I really willing to do all this, when just 2 years prior, I had given birth to a son, and after it proving to be too much of an emotional strain, lost him to his father? Was I giving up my son?

Giving up?
Giving away?
Saying Good bye?
Abandoning?
Leaving?
Leaving Behind?
Left behind…

Left behind is perfect…

I remember sitting on the front porch, leaving my case manager in the dining room of my parent’s house. I wanted them to bring my son home, or I wanted to go with them. I felt like, I was, Left Behind.

I remember crying, thinking, they signed the papers, I hadn’t. I wanted to make them bring him back, I wanted to hold my son a little more, I wanted to sing to him once more, I wanted to feed him again, I wanted to count all his fingers and toes again. I wanted to hold him one last time…

My fear was, they had what they wanted. And as my case manager said, all of the promises we made, the adoption plan we made, it was all on faith and trust. There was no legally binding contract saying they had to send photos, make phone calls, or schedule visits. What if they never called me again? What if they never e-mailed me?

I finally got up, and walked back in, and signed the papers. I had no choice. I had nothing for him here; they had everything for him there.

I couldn’t even provide for my daughter who lived with me. Looking back now, I honestly don’t even know where her clothes or shoes came from. I know everything logical points to my mother providing these things. But, I was never able to provide them.

I remember the night of the entrustment ceremony, I showered, and walked out into the hallway, and heard my mother crying from her bedroom. I walked in, and knew she was crying for her grandson who had left our life. I don’t remember what she said to me, I just remember telling her “The best support you gave me, was supporting my decision.” We both cried for a while, and finally, we both needed sleep.

The first phone call I made was at almost 10pm.

First I said sorry for calling so late, and what I was expecting was rules to be laid out right away; this is when you can call, this is how much notice we need, etc, etc, etc. Instead I got, “Oh girl! We were just watching some DVR shows and feeding the little man.” I was relieved. I cryed, I asked questions, I cried, I laughed, I asked questions. It was as if a million pounds were lifted from my shoulders, and heart.

But, my heart still hurt.
My stomach was still empty.
I still cried.
I still slept with his hospital blanket sometimes.
I still clung to his hospital bracelet.
I still wanted my baby boy home with me.

Well, here I am, almost 5 ½ years later, and all those things still apply; yes, even the baby blanket. If you have read my past blogs you know the journey I have taken, the ups and downs; Not only with the adoption, but with my depression and mental illness as well.

You see, all of these things have built me into the woman I am today; scars and all.
I refuse to be silent and still, I must be loud and on the move; Even if only via my blog.

I applaud all of you birth mothers out there who put the needs of your child before the needs of your heart; and I applaud you adoptive parents who put the needs of your BirthMother right next to the needs of your child. 

Interference

So, my adoption has changed, and im not quite sure why, or how. But, I dont feel like I need to ask either.

Before you read any further, let me make a general statement... I DONT BLAME ANYONE. I chose this adoption, and I chose this couple because I trusted, and still trust them, to do what ever they think it right for Keaton.

In the beginning R&H made the adoption completely open. But, things were different. R worked full time, and H was a stay at home mom. Both shared parenting duties, but there was more time for me to contact them; they had more free time for the communication.

Well, that has changed. H is in school full time, so the time slots have filled quickly.

But, last year, KEatons (possible) BirthFather contacted me and stated he wanted information on Keaton and his parents. I refused! Its not my place to pass out their info. I would not betray their trust like that. Soon after, his mother contacted me, trying to convince me that it was in everyones best interest for them to have contact as well. I told her the most I would do is pass along the adoption agency info. Well, before I did this, I wanted to contact the adoption agency and make sure that by doing this, i wasnt breaching anyones trust, that R&H's info would not be given out, and that nothing would get broken.

I was assured it wouldnt.

Before I could even get back in touch with his mother, she emailed me a very nasty letter, and stated that she had already contacted a private investigatorand got all of the info on the adoption, and the aParents.

WHAT?!?!?!

I quickly e-mailed R&H to let them know that I did NOT give out any of their info, and that i tried as hard as I could to comfort the birthfatehr and his family, but in the end they took it into their own hands.

R&H also know that this man may not be the father - I was young and stupid and alone, i has slept with two differnt men in the course of a week.

This is one of the things I am ashamed of, but I am not ashamed of the outcome.

R&H were waiting for a son, and I was the one who was able to give them that gift.

But its hard; not knowing if the interrerence from the BFather is the reason there are no more e-mails, photos, or phone calls.

I always got a card on BirthMothers day (The Saturday before Mothers Day), but this year I didnt get anything. Just a short note on FB saying they were thinking of me.

I e-mailed them back, and asked if it was possible to get photos, or a phone call. They asked for my phone number again, but i havent heard anything yet.

All in all I would never change a thing about the adoption.

I am still proud to call them the parents of my son; I just wish I had personally done things different in the beginning.

The possible BirthFather was well into drugs, had some issues with the law he was taking care of; and I tried to tell him about it. I remember fights we had over the phone about it. But, he never realized the responsibility... and the other man only offered to pay for an abortion... and when that became too late, he said he would take custody from me, and not by my choice.

In the end, I am glad, and proud of the decision I made.

Anyways, today is my Son's birthday, Alex, and he is 7. It makes me think of Keaton... I wonder what he looks like, how much he is like me, how much he is like the BFather, how much he is like his parents.

I missed his first step, first word, etc.... and I wonder what all of them were....

I just, miss him

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

No New Photos

Well, its been almost 10 months since i got new photos in the mail. Chris (the possible father) contacted the parents and im scared they are backing away from a relationship with me.

I really wish i could feel better about it, but i just feel like crap. Idk...

BirthFather Blues

Im just really nervous.

a few months ago Keatons (possible) birthFather's mother got a detective to find out who his adoptive parents were. Well, after contacting them, I feel like his parents have become distant from me. We used to be SO close, but, not any more.

I am sure i am over reacting, and im sure that happens in cases like this. But it feels like its been forever sincei got an update about him (which isnt true, because i did talk to his Mom via FaceBook just a few weeks ago), and i feel like its been forever since i saw photos.

Well, Chris (possible bF) took some photos from my MySpace and FaceBook without me knowing, and he has them up on his personal page. I just really am hoping that they dont think I gave them the photos and thats why i havent gotten any.

Well, thats all for now. Im just really scared that this adoption is going to suffer on my end -

But one thing i always said, and will always believe in my heart- his parents wouldnt do anything unless they felt it was in his best interest.

(if you have followed my story, you know that I was with two different men within days of each other, I used protection with both, and neither were in a place where they could parent, nor was I. I didnt name a BirthFather on the papers, after much discussion with the Adoption Socal Worker I worked with - a huge decision, I do not regret)