So far, so long

It's been so long since I have posted. I guess I've tried to stop thinking about it so much.
Does that make me a horrible BirthMother?

R is doing everything in her own now, H is gone. I have a lot of anxiety and anger about that.

H was the one I was so close to, I still don't even understand what happened. But o guess it's not for me to understand. I picked his family, now I just have to continue to trust my choice.

I guess it's ok for me to feel this way, but nothing I can do to change it.

It's just hard.

H did about 99% of the corresponding, so it's been quite a while since I've got anything.

I stopped emailing because I know R is busy, and I don't want her getting any pressure to reach out.

I guess in the end, all I can to is keep them on my heart, thoughts, and prayers.

R is an amazing patent. I know she is doing the best she can.

Birthday #5!!!!!

Well, the last time I saw Keaton was at his 3rd Birthday party. I loved being there, but it was deffinetly too long ago.

Well, I finally got a response back from his parents. All with just cause. I know they are both super busy - one works full time, the other in school full time, both taking their hand in raising the kids - but it sucks when we lose communication for a while.

While im sure ANY birth mother goes through the same thing, adding my depression and anxiety to it is never good.

But, like they say, all good things must come to an end. And its not an end to the openess, just the great amount of communication.

I guess the one thing I always will regret, is never having him meet my Grandma.

Other than that, I have  no regrets.

I have to do whats right by them, and by Keaton. And I agree 100% with their decision to not forge anymore bonds or relationships with anyone else. He is their child. They have to do what they think is best.

Anyways, In the e-mail, I was invited to his 5th Birthday!!!

Cant wait to see him. I am so excited <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

From Then till Now

This has been, the longest two years of my life...

But I will never label anything a mistake.

I have been confused, and hurt, and it had made me rethink a lot of decisions in my life, but I will never regret placing Keaton up for Adoption.

But there is one thing I do regret.

When I got pregnant with Keaton, I had slept with two different men, one who was a close friend, who, in all reality, was my first true love. But the first loves are clouded with misjudgment and often filled with unrealistic things that we only want to see, and not what is truly in front of us.

The second was someone who was just a friend, we would talk, laugh, cook dinner together, watch movies - we were just friends, the sex was NOT part of the plan. I was living with my Aunt, and I was alone. My friend at the time, Kristy, introduced me to him, and we went out for a few drinks, and he invited me over the next weekend for movies. We both made it clear we didn't want to be involved with anyone, but both of us enjoyed the others company.

The night with Chris, we smoked, and had sex... I dont remember much, but I remember sex was part of it, and so was protection.

The two nights with Aaron involved sex, and protection.

The pregnancy was not supposed to be part of either.... But it happened, and for a good reason.

Look, I have had my fair share of emotional issues to deal with, some not so bad, some horrific. But here I am, making it through them all.

I told both, and from Chris, I got talk it wasnt his, to leave him alone, etc.

From Aaron, I got that he wanted full custody or an abortion. I opted to lie about an abortion, as I refused to let this man take custody of a child when in all honesty, I had only known him a few weeks.

Adoption....

I withheld information on the birthfather, and IW as told I had the right to do so my the social worker. I told her about both Chris and Aaron, but also told her that I didnt believe either of them, nor myself, were stable to raise a baby. She agreed, and left the choice up to me.

I withheld.

Chris saw a photo of Keaton in my car one day when I picked him up from a rehab for break, and he started crying, "Oh my God, this is my kid. Patty, if you could see baby pictures of me you would know. This is my kid!!"

I told Chris about Aaron, even explained that Aaron and Keaton looked a lot alike.

And if you look at pictures, its hard. Chris and Keaton look a like as babies, but Aaron and Keaton look almost identical in current photos.

I accept that this is part of my own journey. But I also must respect the fact that Keaton's parents are not wanting or willing to build a relationship with either of these individuals.

But, then comes the pain.

Chris went behind my back and found out who Keaton's parents were, and contacted them.

First his mother told me that she was going to hire a private detective, and then he told me my ex gave him the information.

Chris asked me everything about Keaton, and I shared all the non-personal information (or what they call, non-identifying).

I shared his box - the adoption papers, I showed him the Birth Father packet that I left blank, and explained that I didn't know if I should add Aaron's info, or his, he said he understood. I showed him the scrap book from the Entrustment ceremony. I showed him the hospital bracelets, etc.

Well, in 2010 is when he went behind my back to contact them.

His mother messaged me on MySpace, and I told her I couldnt give her any info, not even first names, but I could contact the adoption agency and ask them what I can give. Well, before I had the chance, she and chris somehow found out who they were and e-mailed them.

I will never forgive them for that.

Since then, H started back to school and the communications have cut back severely. I'm sure to them its ok, but to me it sucks lol.

For the first 3 years we talked and exchanged e-mails all the time. But now, it takes a few months to get a response. While my heart completely understand, my mind plays games and tells me all the worst reasons.

I was up front with every one about everything, and now my honesty is coming back to bite me in the ass.

TBC....

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

Fears & Tears

I've been debating for the last Month and a half on sending my BirthSon a letter in the  mail. I think, I THINK, I have decided to send one to him, along with his parents.

I have sent them an e-mail, and each a message on FaceBook, but have not gotten a responce from either. Its heart breaking, you know? I dont like to contact them a lot because I know they are busy, but even a simply, "Hey, we got and read your letter, we will respond as soon as we get a free minute." would be more then amazing.

There is the me from 2006 that says they would never ignore me or brush me aside or push me out of Keatons life. But then there is the 2011 me who has been through so much since then that says they are slowly cutting contact with me because they feel im not a good link for Keaton right now.

It scares me, a lot. More then a lot. I've hidden Keatons Box behind my nephews Pack-N-Play, and it usually stays covered with a blanket. Its very hard for me to think about him. I will be honest, there are some days I try to NOT think about him. And I've succeeded at going even a week without thinking of him once. And its hard, but it sucks and releases the pain all at the same time.

I don't have anyone to talk to about it, and those who shared the journey with me those few days are emotionally and physically unavailable to me right now, so, I have no one to share memories with.

I want to talk to the people who were there with me about it; my mom about the hospital visits and the Entrustment ceremony, my Aunt about the day she picked me up from the Hospital and drove me home. I want to talk to my Sister about the ceremony, and the dinner she all shared that night - his new family and mine.

I want to talk to R & H about the dedication ceremony and visits with them the first two years. I want someone to talk to me, and tell me they remember to.

He is becoming more of a dream, and less of a reality. Something I try more often to forget then remember, because I cant deal with it on my own any more.

I can talk to my counselor all I want, but she was not there, she did not hold me when I cried, she cannot hold me when I cry.

And as much as I love Andrew, he does not know what type of emotions I am dealing with. he was not there. I feel as if all of this was a big dream - I find myself wondering if I dreamed it all up.

Was there even ever a baby? Are R & H the A-Parents? Who am I calling when I dial that number? Did the Entrustment ceremony ever truly take place? Did we all pack into that tiny corner restaurant by the church? Were those adoption agencies just places that my mind created?

Truth: I feel as if Keaton never existed some days, because I have no one to talk to about him.

Lie: I....... (fill in the blank)

*sigh*

Remember

you are LOVED,

always,

...Me

I honestly am not sure....

At this point I feel a little award sending any emails because I don't get a response. I know its because they are super busy, but on my bad days its just personal ammo. So I let it go...

I need to get a letter or card in the mail, but im so bad. I never know what it write.. I've started hundreds only to scrap them into the trash and blog instead.

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

Then & Now - The Placement pt. 2 - the Entrustment Ceremony

The “then” part doesn’t even exist in this blog… there was NOTHING like this back then. There was nothing in the placement part where the birthmothers met the Adoptive Parents, or place the child with them. This was unheard of; it just wasn’t done.

But the “Now”… the now is amazing!!!

Now, for those who chose to have it; the placement can be the park that makes or breaks the cycle of grief. I truly believe that in my journey the entrustment ceremony is what made my heart so at ease. Did it make it easier to place him? Hell No!!! BUT, it did make it easier to forge this bond with his new family.

Yes, his entire family.

I remember imagining it being Keaton, and his parents, and my family… but their family was there as well. It made a world of difference. I won’t get into major details here, but I truly felt like not only Keaton, but my whole family was being welcomed into their family as well.

Some of the things that happened were unreal; I have had many people tell me that my journey was very rare, and unheard of in most cases. But I am so happy to have had this journey.

Please, check out more information on Entrustment Ceremonies. And Please feel free to go back into my blog and read about mine.

We spoke vows to each other, we lit a unity candle, we played music, and we cried. We all cried. It was a beautiful marriage of the families together, in a way only mothers can make happen; Birth and Adoptive.

Below are some links you can check out for entrustment ceremonies.

BirthMom Buds – Entrustment Ceremonies
http://www.birthmombuds.com/entrustment_ceremonies.htm

Open Adoption Insight – Entrustment Ceremonies
http://www.openadoptioninsight.org/entrustment_ceremonies.htm

Beliefnet – The Entrustment Ceremony
http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Parenting/2000/06/The-Entrustment-Ceremony.aspx

Adoption.com – Entrustment Ceremony Poems
http://unplanned-pregnancy.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/entrustment-ceremony-poems

Family Hopes – The Importance of Adoption Placement Ceremonies or Entrustment Ceremonies
http://www.familyhopes.com/adoption/the-importance-of-adoption-placement-ceremonies-or-entrustment-ceremonies/

Adoptive Families – A Bridge of Love: One Family’s Entrustment Ceremony
http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1365

Remembering the BirthMom

I sit here in almost tears, after reading only the first 6 pages of “The Girls Who Went Away: The hidden history of Women who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades before Roe v. Wade” by Ann Fessler.

I beg you, be it that you are a Child of adoption, a Birth mother, Adoptive Mother, or any other family member; read this book!

I was ready to read a stale story of a matter-of-fact adoption where the baby was swept away and there was a long long fight for information. Wrong…

My heart stings were pulled from page 2.

This woman Ann, has, so far as I have learned, a Mother who has a heart that aches for the BirthMother. For the child’s first 3 birthdays there was an extra candle placed on the cake for the mother? I have never heard of such a thing; such a beautiful remembrance of the life being celebrated. A life that has roots somewhere else longing to know if this child is ok; The celebration of not just one life, but two.

Sometimes I wonder if or how the BirthMothers of today are celebrated in the adoptive family.

It hurts to know that some of these families do not even let the child know they are adopted; do they know what they are keeping from them? It is not just about pictures and updates about the child, but there are updates about the birth family as well.

What if there are significant health concerns that are hereditary and could be passed along to the birth child? Or, what if there are health concerns that have arisen in the birth child that the doctor informs the parents, “This is a health concern for future children as well.” That information needs to be passed along.

How can these things be kept?

I applaud those who keep an open adoption, even if it is private. If this is a private intimate relationship the two mothers share, or a forged bond both families have created, it is one that needs to be made.

I understand that there are times when the BirthMother is just emotionally unable to have an open adoption, times when the child who is placed was conceived in a non-consensual way. But health is still a concern; physical, and mental.

I sometimes find myself crying, simply imagining Keaton calling another woman Mommy. But then I remember, I was blessed with the ability to chose his parents. I had months to spend time with them; at doctors appointments, social outings, dinners, etc. We all wanted to make sure this bond was best for him. And thankfully, it was not rushed, it was not a quiet thing, it was not a secret. I was able to speak out about it, and be loud about it.

I may not have screamed from the roof tops “I am placing my baby up for adoption!!!” But every time someone asked me how far along I was, and if I was excited, I smiled, said yes, and shared the adoption plan.

I didn’t need anyones approval, I needed more so, to hear it come out of my own mouth. Is this really what I was going to do? Was I really about to hand my child to this couple, and give up all my rights to him? Was I really going to agree to miss out on his first word, first tooth, first step, etc? Was I really willing to do all this, when just 2 years prior, I had given birth to a son, and after it proving to be too much of an emotional strain, lost him to his father? Was I giving up my son?

Giving up?
Giving away?
Saying Good bye?
Abandoning?
Leaving?
Leaving Behind?
Left behind…

Left behind is perfect…

I remember sitting on the front porch, leaving my case manager in the dining room of my parent’s house. I wanted them to bring my son home, or I wanted to go with them. I felt like, I was, Left Behind.

I remember crying, thinking, they signed the papers, I hadn’t. I wanted to make them bring him back, I wanted to hold my son a little more, I wanted to sing to him once more, I wanted to feed him again, I wanted to count all his fingers and toes again. I wanted to hold him one last time…

My fear was, they had what they wanted. And as my case manager said, all of the promises we made, the adoption plan we made, it was all on faith and trust. There was no legally binding contract saying they had to send photos, make phone calls, or schedule visits. What if they never called me again? What if they never e-mailed me?

I finally got up, and walked back in, and signed the papers. I had no choice. I had nothing for him here; they had everything for him there.

I couldn’t even provide for my daughter who lived with me. Looking back now, I honestly don’t even know where her clothes or shoes came from. I know everything logical points to my mother providing these things. But, I was never able to provide them.

I remember the night of the entrustment ceremony, I showered, and walked out into the hallway, and heard my mother crying from her bedroom. I walked in, and knew she was crying for her grandson who had left our life. I don’t remember what she said to me, I just remember telling her “The best support you gave me, was supporting my decision.” We both cried for a while, and finally, we both needed sleep.

The first phone call I made was at almost 10pm.

First I said sorry for calling so late, and what I was expecting was rules to be laid out right away; this is when you can call, this is how much notice we need, etc, etc, etc. Instead I got, “Oh girl! We were just watching some DVR shows and feeding the little man.” I was relieved. I cryed, I asked questions, I cried, I laughed, I asked questions. It was as if a million pounds were lifted from my shoulders, and heart.

But, my heart still hurt.
My stomach was still empty.
I still cried.
I still slept with his hospital blanket sometimes.
I still clung to his hospital bracelet.
I still wanted my baby boy home with me.

Well, here I am, almost 5 ½ years later, and all those things still apply; yes, even the baby blanket. If you have read my past blogs you know the journey I have taken, the ups and downs; Not only with the adoption, but with my depression and mental illness as well.

You see, all of these things have built me into the woman I am today; scars and all.
I refuse to be silent and still, I must be loud and on the move; Even if only via my blog.

I applaud all of you birth mothers out there who put the needs of your child before the needs of your heart; and I applaud you adoptive parents who put the needs of your BirthMother right next to the needs of your child. 

All Life has to Offer

I will be the first to admit that I have felt guilty.... that I have this underlining fear that my child will hate me.

No, not Keaton, but Kathleen.... my daughter who is at home with me.

Keaton is in a home where he wants for nothing, but is not spoiled. He is provided everything he needs, and is living happy.

But kathleen is here with me. Where shoes that fit comfortable only come once a year, if that. Where shut off notices are like wallpaper for our fridge, and where fear of how we will pay the biklls often fills out home with a stress thickened air.

I fear that she will grow to hate me... why did I decide this was enough for her, but not for him? Why was he given everything he could ever need, yet we can barely scrape to make ends meat?

I often wonder if Keaton will grow up to think little of us. He lives in this huge beautiful house with two livingrooms and a playroom off one of them.... their house looks like a model for Better Homes & Garden.

But our home.... its clutter struck... things laying around I fear to get rid of because, what if we need them one day? We don't have the money to go buy them again. Our home is small... stand in the diningroom hallway door and see every room in this place...

Keatons room is huge! Filled with clothes and stuffed animals, a dresser for his things, pictures on the walls...

Kathleens room has clothes thrown into it... on plastic crates because we cannot afford a dresser. Laundry baskets double as toy bins when they aren't being used... and the only "promising" thing she has is a TV with a dule DVD/VCR.

Her father will not pay child support... he has everything handed to him and there for has no need for any income. So, Andrews income supports us all.

I feel like my legs are failing me more and more each day. They have been a problem since 2008 but are getting worse and worse.

My inability to work outside the home is wearing on everyone. My anxiety and panic attacks have taken over my life. And the view from my front porch is all I can see of the world most days.

If Keaton knew this, that THIS is where he came from, would he still be proud to call us his birth family??

In closing, 

Remember, 

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

Interference

So, my adoption has changed, and im not quite sure why, or how. But, I dont feel like I need to ask either.

Before you read any further, let me make a general statement... I DONT BLAME ANYONE. I chose this adoption, and I chose this couple because I trusted, and still trust them, to do what ever they think it right for Keaton.

In the beginning R&H made the adoption completely open. But, things were different. R worked full time, and H was a stay at home mom. Both shared parenting duties, but there was more time for me to contact them; they had more free time for the communication.

Well, that has changed. H is in school full time, so the time slots have filled quickly.

But, last year, KEatons (possible) BirthFather contacted me and stated he wanted information on Keaton and his parents. I refused! Its not my place to pass out their info. I would not betray their trust like that. Soon after, his mother contacted me, trying to convince me that it was in everyones best interest for them to have contact as well. I told her the most I would do is pass along the adoption agency info. Well, before I did this, I wanted to contact the adoption agency and make sure that by doing this, i wasnt breaching anyones trust, that R&H's info would not be given out, and that nothing would get broken.

I was assured it wouldnt.

Before I could even get back in touch with his mother, she emailed me a very nasty letter, and stated that she had already contacted a private investigatorand got all of the info on the adoption, and the aParents.

WHAT?!?!?!

I quickly e-mailed R&H to let them know that I did NOT give out any of their info, and that i tried as hard as I could to comfort the birthfatehr and his family, but in the end they took it into their own hands.

R&H also know that this man may not be the father - I was young and stupid and alone, i has slept with two differnt men in the course of a week.

This is one of the things I am ashamed of, but I am not ashamed of the outcome.

R&H were waiting for a son, and I was the one who was able to give them that gift.

But its hard; not knowing if the interrerence from the BFather is the reason there are no more e-mails, photos, or phone calls.

I always got a card on BirthMothers day (The Saturday before Mothers Day), but this year I didnt get anything. Just a short note on FB saying they were thinking of me.

I e-mailed them back, and asked if it was possible to get photos, or a phone call. They asked for my phone number again, but i havent heard anything yet.

All in all I would never change a thing about the adoption.

I am still proud to call them the parents of my son; I just wish I had personally done things different in the beginning.

The possible BirthFather was well into drugs, had some issues with the law he was taking care of; and I tried to tell him about it. I remember fights we had over the phone about it. But, he never realized the responsibility... and the other man only offered to pay for an abortion... and when that became too late, he said he would take custody from me, and not by my choice.

In the end, I am glad, and proud of the decision I made.

Anyways, today is my Son's birthday, Alex, and he is 7. It makes me think of Keaton... I wonder what he looks like, how much he is like me, how much he is like the BFather, how much he is like his parents.

I missed his first step, first word, etc.... and I wonder what all of them were....

I just, miss him

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

My Birth Right

A lot of people ask me what rights I have to my son; Keaton.

People assume that because I placed him into an open adoption that my rights were severed and no longer exist. Sorry, your wrong.

I placed him with the most amazing couple because as his BirthMother, I had the right, and the duty to make sure he had everything i knew I couldnt provide at the time.

In the state of Ohio, you have to wait three days to sign over your parental rights; and during those three days, I spent time with Keaton's parents, and with my family. I had plenty of time to think over my decision; after 72 hours, I would be signing away all legal rights to him. Ah, but thats where it ends. Or does it?

I was lucky enough to have almost my entire pregnancy to get to know his parents. I remember making a phoen call to them after my first in-office unltrasound, and this was befor eI even had met them. I proudly let them know that "Your baby is doing great!" I knew from the first few e-mails that they were the couple for me. And twards the end, I told his Mommy "I am still waiting for a reason not to pick you two, but I just cant seem to find one." She smiled and comment, "Well, please stop looking!" and we laughed 

I may not have any legal rights, but I have my birth rights, and responisilibites.

My birth rights?

He will always be a child that I nurtured and cared for in my womb. I tookd care of him in a way only a birthmother can. I gave him 9 healthy months in utero; and then, I gave him a lifetime of love and possibilities. My birthright was to make the right decision for him. It was my right to love him, and caqre for him.

My legal right's said I could keep him, and get government assistance and raise him the best I could; my birth responsibilites were different.

My responsibility told me that I had to make syre my son was cared for in a way I couldn't. I had to make sure he grew up in a safe secure home; with at least one parent who is able to care for him in every way possible. I was just lucky enough to find a home with two amazing people to raise him!

So please, when you question why I "gave my son away" stop and think, because I didnt giv e him away, I simply gave him a better life. And when you question why I didnt love my son enough to keep him, stop and think; because I loved him enough to know I couldnt provide all the things for him that his parents can.

He has two forever Mommie's who love him more then anything. He has a huge, amazing family.

I am proud to say I am a Birth Mother; because the word "Birthmother means LOVE"

And not only do I love him, but I love his mommies and his sister too!! Such an amazing family.

I know I am just as blessed as he is to hae picked the parents I did.

I love you guys!!!

No New Photos

Well, its been almost 10 months since i got new photos in the mail. Chris (the possible father) contacted the parents and im scared they are backing away from a relationship with me.

I really wish i could feel better about it, but i just feel like crap. Idk...