Birthday #5!!!!!

Well, the last time I saw Keaton was at his 3rd Birthday party. I loved being there, but it was deffinetly too long ago.

Well, I finally got a response back from his parents. All with just cause. I know they are both super busy - one works full time, the other in school full time, both taking their hand in raising the kids - but it sucks when we lose communication for a while.

While im sure ANY birth mother goes through the same thing, adding my depression and anxiety to it is never good.

But, like they say, all good things must come to an end. And its not an end to the openess, just the great amount of communication.

I guess the one thing I always will regret, is never having him meet my Grandma.

Other than that, I have  no regrets.

I have to do whats right by them, and by Keaton. And I agree 100% with their decision to not forge anymore bonds or relationships with anyone else. He is their child. They have to do what they think is best.

Anyways, In the e-mail, I was invited to his 5th Birthday!!!

Cant wait to see him. I am so excited <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

From Then till Now

This has been, the longest two years of my life...

But I will never label anything a mistake.

I have been confused, and hurt, and it had made me rethink a lot of decisions in my life, but I will never regret placing Keaton up for Adoption.

But there is one thing I do regret.

When I got pregnant with Keaton, I had slept with two different men, one who was a close friend, who, in all reality, was my first true love. But the first loves are clouded with misjudgment and often filled with unrealistic things that we only want to see, and not what is truly in front of us.

The second was someone who was just a friend, we would talk, laugh, cook dinner together, watch movies - we were just friends, the sex was NOT part of the plan. I was living with my Aunt, and I was alone. My friend at the time, Kristy, introduced me to him, and we went out for a few drinks, and he invited me over the next weekend for movies. We both made it clear we didn't want to be involved with anyone, but both of us enjoyed the others company.

The night with Chris, we smoked, and had sex... I dont remember much, but I remember sex was part of it, and so was protection.

The two nights with Aaron involved sex, and protection.

The pregnancy was not supposed to be part of either.... But it happened, and for a good reason.

Look, I have had my fair share of emotional issues to deal with, some not so bad, some horrific. But here I am, making it through them all.

I told both, and from Chris, I got talk it wasnt his, to leave him alone, etc.

From Aaron, I got that he wanted full custody or an abortion. I opted to lie about an abortion, as I refused to let this man take custody of a child when in all honesty, I had only known him a few weeks.

Adoption....

I withheld information on the birthfather, and IW as told I had the right to do so my the social worker. I told her about both Chris and Aaron, but also told her that I didnt believe either of them, nor myself, were stable to raise a baby. She agreed, and left the choice up to me.

I withheld.

Chris saw a photo of Keaton in my car one day when I picked him up from a rehab for break, and he started crying, "Oh my God, this is my kid. Patty, if you could see baby pictures of me you would know. This is my kid!!"

I told Chris about Aaron, even explained that Aaron and Keaton looked a lot alike.

And if you look at pictures, its hard. Chris and Keaton look a like as babies, but Aaron and Keaton look almost identical in current photos.

I accept that this is part of my own journey. But I also must respect the fact that Keaton's parents are not wanting or willing to build a relationship with either of these individuals.

But, then comes the pain.

Chris went behind my back and found out who Keaton's parents were, and contacted them.

First his mother told me that she was going to hire a private detective, and then he told me my ex gave him the information.

Chris asked me everything about Keaton, and I shared all the non-personal information (or what they call, non-identifying).

I shared his box - the adoption papers, I showed him the Birth Father packet that I left blank, and explained that I didn't know if I should add Aaron's info, or his, he said he understood. I showed him the scrap book from the Entrustment ceremony. I showed him the hospital bracelets, etc.

Well, in 2010 is when he went behind my back to contact them.

His mother messaged me on MySpace, and I told her I couldnt give her any info, not even first names, but I could contact the adoption agency and ask them what I can give. Well, before I had the chance, she and chris somehow found out who they were and e-mailed them.

I will never forgive them for that.

Since then, H started back to school and the communications have cut back severely. I'm sure to them its ok, but to me it sucks lol.

For the first 3 years we talked and exchanged e-mails all the time. But now, it takes a few months to get a response. While my heart completely understand, my mind plays games and tells me all the worst reasons.

I was up front with every one about everything, and now my honesty is coming back to bite me in the ass.

TBC....

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

Fears & Tears

I've been debating for the last Month and a half on sending my BirthSon a letter in the  mail. I think, I THINK, I have decided to send one to him, along with his parents.

I have sent them an e-mail, and each a message on FaceBook, but have not gotten a responce from either. Its heart breaking, you know? I dont like to contact them a lot because I know they are busy, but even a simply, "Hey, we got and read your letter, we will respond as soon as we get a free minute." would be more then amazing.

There is the me from 2006 that says they would never ignore me or brush me aside or push me out of Keatons life. But then there is the 2011 me who has been through so much since then that says they are slowly cutting contact with me because they feel im not a good link for Keaton right now.

It scares me, a lot. More then a lot. I've hidden Keatons Box behind my nephews Pack-N-Play, and it usually stays covered with a blanket. Its very hard for me to think about him. I will be honest, there are some days I try to NOT think about him. And I've succeeded at going even a week without thinking of him once. And its hard, but it sucks and releases the pain all at the same time.

I don't have anyone to talk to about it, and those who shared the journey with me those few days are emotionally and physically unavailable to me right now, so, I have no one to share memories with.

I want to talk to the people who were there with me about it; my mom about the hospital visits and the Entrustment ceremony, my Aunt about the day she picked me up from the Hospital and drove me home. I want to talk to my Sister about the ceremony, and the dinner she all shared that night - his new family and mine.

I want to talk to R & H about the dedication ceremony and visits with them the first two years. I want someone to talk to me, and tell me they remember to.

He is becoming more of a dream, and less of a reality. Something I try more often to forget then remember, because I cant deal with it on my own any more.

I can talk to my counselor all I want, but she was not there, she did not hold me when I cried, she cannot hold me when I cry.

And as much as I love Andrew, he does not know what type of emotions I am dealing with. he was not there. I feel as if all of this was a big dream - I find myself wondering if I dreamed it all up.

Was there even ever a baby? Are R & H the A-Parents? Who am I calling when I dial that number? Did the Entrustment ceremony ever truly take place? Did we all pack into that tiny corner restaurant by the church? Were those adoption agencies just places that my mind created?

Truth: I feel as if Keaton never existed some days, because I have no one to talk to about him.

Lie: I....... (fill in the blank)

*sigh*

Remember

you are LOVED,

always,

...Me

I honestly am not sure....

At this point I feel a little award sending any emails because I don't get a response. I know its because they are super busy, but on my bad days its just personal ammo. So I let it go...

I need to get a letter or card in the mail, but im so bad. I never know what it write.. I've started hundreds only to scrap them into the trash and blog instead.

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

Then & Now - The Placement pt. 2 - the Entrustment Ceremony

The “then” part doesn’t even exist in this blog… there was NOTHING like this back then. There was nothing in the placement part where the birthmothers met the Adoptive Parents, or place the child with them. This was unheard of; it just wasn’t done.

But the “Now”… the now is amazing!!!

Now, for those who chose to have it; the placement can be the park that makes or breaks the cycle of grief. I truly believe that in my journey the entrustment ceremony is what made my heart so at ease. Did it make it easier to place him? Hell No!!! BUT, it did make it easier to forge this bond with his new family.

Yes, his entire family.

I remember imagining it being Keaton, and his parents, and my family… but their family was there as well. It made a world of difference. I won’t get into major details here, but I truly felt like not only Keaton, but my whole family was being welcomed into their family as well.

Some of the things that happened were unreal; I have had many people tell me that my journey was very rare, and unheard of in most cases. But I am so happy to have had this journey.

Please, check out more information on Entrustment Ceremonies. And Please feel free to go back into my blog and read about mine.

We spoke vows to each other, we lit a unity candle, we played music, and we cried. We all cried. It was a beautiful marriage of the families together, in a way only mothers can make happen; Birth and Adoptive.

Below are some links you can check out for entrustment ceremonies.

BirthMom Buds – Entrustment Ceremonies
http://www.birthmombuds.com/entrustment_ceremonies.htm

Open Adoption Insight – Entrustment Ceremonies
http://www.openadoptioninsight.org/entrustment_ceremonies.htm

Beliefnet – The Entrustment Ceremony
http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Parenting/2000/06/The-Entrustment-Ceremony.aspx

Adoption.com – Entrustment Ceremony Poems
http://unplanned-pregnancy.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/entrustment-ceremony-poems

Family Hopes – The Importance of Adoption Placement Ceremonies or Entrustment Ceremonies
http://www.familyhopes.com/adoption/the-importance-of-adoption-placement-ceremonies-or-entrustment-ceremonies/

Adoptive Families – A Bridge of Love: One Family’s Entrustment Ceremony
http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1365

Ten & now - Adoption Plan & Placement

I believe that there are as many adoption journeys as there are colors in the rainbow. From one share to another, no single line is the same. As the colors blend, a new one is formed, and a new use is found for the color. New names, new uses, new additions, new findings….

Have you ever found yourself going through the stages of grief, and thinking, “I don’t remember this being one of the stages”? Well, I think the stages of grief weren’t set out around adoption.

When you think of someone who is grieving, it is someone who has lost a loved one to death, divorce, or a serious illness that may, or may not have, resulted in death. But that isn’t where it ends, is it? Women know that it doesn’t end there…

In the time before Roe v. Wade women of all ages, who, if were found pregnant out of wedlock, and without a suitable boy to marry, were forced into maternity homes and had their children taken away from them. There were not explained the process of grief, they were simply told, they must forget and move on. There would be no talking about it, there was no mention of a pregnancy, or an adoption. It was simply a last minute stay with a sick aunt who needed help. But those women, those women who had their babies ripped from their arms without option, they didn’t have a grieving process… they didn’t get to grieve; they didn’t get to go through the stages with support.

I am ever so thankful, that my adoption took place in 2006, a time when women have the right to choose, the right to be picky, the right to be involved, and the right to make a decision with options. I was given a list of social services that would give a free crib, free clothes, free diapers, free formula, etc. In the time before Roe v. Wade, there was no list of services handed to the unwed mother, only a feeling of shame that was placed on her, and only her; this pregnancy was her doing and she should be made to know so.

In 2006, I got to log onto the internet and search for a couple who I thought would raise my son the same way I would. I got to call them and speak to them with no one else forcing me into this. I got to browse through profiles as if I was looking for the perfect fitting pair of jeans in a Penny’s catalog.  I got to read all about how they spent their day, look at photos of their family, read about the kids they may, or may not already have.

In the time before Roe v. Wade there was no talking to perspective parents, there was no asking who they were, what do they look like, what kind of jobdoes the father have? There was only a pregnancy, a labor and delivery, and a few short days to say good-bye, if you were lucky. There were no follow up visits, no photos, no yearly updates. These children most likely grew up never knowing they were adopted; or if they were informed, they had no record to go back and find their birth mother.

In 2006, I got to share my Doctor visits, and birthing plan with my son’s parents and even his sister’s (my daughter, and theirs). I got to watch as these two sisters, soon to be welcoming a little brother, would take turns finding the baby’s heart beat at the mid-wife checkups.  We would share afternoons together at the appointments, and sometimes dinner, laughing and comparing notes on the relationship we were building. I remember clear as it was yesterday the one time I said to R, “Im still trying to find a reason not to pick you and H, but I can’t find one.” She smiled and said, “Then stop looking!” And, I did.

In the time before Roe v. Wade there were no one to hold your hand at doctor visits, only the doctors who were usually cold and cruel to the “bad girl” who was not in this home for un-wed mothers. There was no sharing the adoption or birth plan with anyone, not even your family. There was no laughing around a dinner table after appointments, talking about hopes for the future. There was only silence.

In 2006, I said hello, and cried, as I had my son placed on my chest, and yelled for everyone to stop when the nurse tried to cut the umbilical cord. Keaton’s Mommy and Momma were in the room during the entire labor and delivery, and I had no intentions on letting anyone BUT his Mommy cut that cord! His Momma was my birthing coach, holding one hand, while my Mom held my other. His Momma coaching me to breath, while my Mom stood close, telling me I could do it, just a little bit more. Both helping me when my emotions wanted to take over and give up.

…. For in this same room, May 10, 2004, I gave birth to a 10 lb. baby boy, Alexander Thomas… my two sons, who would forever change my life.

In the time before Roe v. Wade, there was no joyful delivery, no time to say hello, no one coaching you in breathing. No one encouraged you, and shared in your joys and sorrow. No one was there to help you through it. You were left to your own; you were left to deal with things on your own.

In 2006, Keaton’s Momma and I sat on the edge of my hospital bed, while he lay sleeping in the bed side crib. And we cried with each other; vowing that we would always make sure Keaton knew how much he was loved. She cried because, she knew how hard this was; I love my son so much, I wanted nothing more than to be able to care for him, but I couldn’t. She knew the selfless love I was enduring was the most painful kind. And I knew, she would always make sure that he knew how much he is loved. We shared tears, hugs, and promises to always stay in touch, always visit when the time allows, and always keep each other posted on any life changing events that might be of interest. We talked about what the first visit might look like, or the first phone call. She promised lots of photos and e-mails. And she never broke her promise!!

In the time before Roe v. Wade there was nothing. A room shared with 4 other un-wed mothers who gave birth about the same time as you. You got four cold lonely days in the hospital, with visits with your baby for feedings, and a discharge at the end. There was no contact with the adoptive parents; there were no letters, or photos, no phone calls, or e-mails. There was nothing.

You see, my family knew about the pregnancy, they knew about the adoption, they knew everything. There was so secret; I was not ashamed to say I had this child inside of me, because the more and more I got to know R&H, the more and more I realized, the protection we used, and any other devices we may have had at our disposal would have been no good. This child, Keaton, growing in my belly, was created by God, for R&H, and it was my blessing, and curse, to give this child to them.

The blessing came in the form of a family; I wanted my son to have siblings, and he would. I wanted my son to have a mother who would love him just as much as I would, he got two! I wanted my son to never need or want for anything, and they were able to provide that for them. I was not able to care for this child that God placed in my womb, but I was blessed to find a family, rather, I was blessed to have God point me in the direction of this family, who could.

The Curse is plain and simple; I had to say, good-bye. I have to grieve. Yes, “have” not “had”. As BirthMothers, I don’t believe we ever end our grieving process; open, closed, semi-open, inner-family – I don’t think we will ever stop grieving for the child who once laid in our womb, but never in our home.

Remember,
You are LOVED,
Always,
Me

Adoption; Then & Now series

I have to admit, when I first found out I was pregnant, adoption was not my first choice. I couldn’t hand my baby to someone who was going to make a 500 yard pass across the hospital to people I didn’t even know! I was only a few weeks along, but I already knew I loved my baby. And I couldn’t just let anyone have him. In the time before Roe v. Wade

I sat down at the computer and figured I might as well look into it anyways, because, as it was, I couldn’t even support my daughter and myself. So, away I went.

www.yahoo.com -> Enter key word, “Adoption”

“Pet Adoption”
“Animal Adoption”
“International Adoption”
“Open Adoption”
“Closed Adoption”

Wait, what is open adoption?

Yep, those two words changed my mind that very minute; Open Adoption.

You can get photos, updates, letters in the mail, and visits?!?!?
I had no idea, not in my wildest dreams that you could visit with the child you gave up for adoption. (Yes, I said gave up, bear with me!)

I remember finding a few websites where you could browse through families like you were picking out a gift for someone. “How strange”, was the only thing I remember thinking. It was like I was shopping for a family for my child. Didn’t the adoptive family usually shop for a baby for their family??

After a few days, I sent a few e-mails, but never got any response. Apparently I wasn’t appealing enough for their taste in breeds.

Then, I found a website for the Independent Adoption Center in Illinois, or the IAC for short. They too, like many of the other web sites, had profiles of families you could browse through. After searching and searching, I finally came across a profile, and there was a family picture of two Mommies, and a daughter from their first adoption; all three with big beautiful smiles and glowing eyes, as if to say “Here we are! We have been waiting for you!!” And waiting they were…

Later I found out that, for some odd reason, their profile had not been working, and had JUST started working the day I started to search on the IAC web site.

Well, I looked, and looked, and looked some more. But I always ended up reading their profile. Finally, I sent an e-mail to them, and H responded within minutes. I was shocked, scared, worried. Now that I made contact, did it mean I had to go through with it? Did it mean they now, by some odd adoption right, had claim to my child?

Well, they didn’t. They made it pretty clear that this was not a legal thing until the baby was born, and they were there, for now, as a resource. Weather I decided to pick them or not, they were willing to help answer any questions I had. And, they did.

The rest if history, or course. Because now, they are, in my opinion, the best parents I could have chosen for my son J

SO, the point is, between then and now, so much has changed. We as a society have grown so much more empathetic. We understand the need for a parent and child to have a bond, Birth or Adoptive.  Yes, Parent, not just the Mother.

I’m sorry, but it’s not just the BirthMother who suffers some sort of loss or grief. I really would LOVE to hear from some Birthfathers who have gone through the process of placing a child up for adoption.

Oh… did you see the change in jargon? Rather than “Giving away” I said “placing”. Yes, because it has changed!

From the early days until now, we have made so much progress in the placement of children in Adoption. Unfortunately, there are instances where the child, for its own safety is taken from the parent, and given (by the agency or church) to an adoptive family. But, when it comes to a mother, who is putting the needs of her child, before the wants of her heart, she is going through this heart wrenching process, of placing her child, in the best home possible, so that they are loved, and cared for.

In the time before Roe v. Wade the mothers didn’t have that option, and the fathers being a part of the decision was mostly unheard of. But now, that’s all changed. While you rarely ever heard of a Birthfather being part of the adoption plan, it does happen. This isn’t 1950 when it was the entire girls fault, and she was sent away as part of the punishment for doing this.

You see, between then and now, so much has changed; the rights, the information given to the birth mother, to the adoptive parents, the involvement of the birth father, the involvement of the families.

I encourage you, if you haven’t already to read the book “The Girls who Went Away” by Ann Fessler, an adoptee from the pre Row v. Wade era. I also encourage you to go back, and read my journey as a birth mother; my ups and downs, the ins and outs. Dig into the involvement I was able to have during the process. Then, come back, and read these blogs, my “Then and Now” blogs, so that you can really see how different things are.

I have pulled a lot of my info from books, and articles and web sites. But I want to hear from people as well. So, if you have a story you want to share, if you are a BirthMother, a BirthFather, and Adoptive Parent, an adoptee, or a member of either the Birth or Adoptive family, come forward and share your story. I would be more than happy to share your story here; I would gladly keep it anonymous and short, sharing as much detail as you wish, or simply one sentence that sums it up for you.

But, if you are able to write, I encourage you to have a blog. Make an alias and create a blog, use whatever name you wish, but please, share your story. If your child is 2 years old, or 62 years old, people need to hear your story, and you need to be heard.

Please, come out; come out, where ever you are.

The time to talk is now; the time to listen is NOW.

This next set of blog titled “Then and Now” are going to look at the differences between adoption Then (In the time before Roe v. Wade) and Now….

I hope you enjoy them!! Please leave comments if you want to add anything!

Remember,
You are LOVED,
Always,
Me