BirthFather Blues

Im just really nervous.

a few months ago Keatons (possible) birthFather's mother got a detective to find out who his adoptive parents were. Well, after contacting them, I feel like his parents have become distant from me. We used to be SO close, but, not any more.

I am sure i am over reacting, and im sure that happens in cases like this. But it feels like its been forever sincei got an update about him (which isnt true, because i did talk to his Mom via FaceBook just a few weeks ago), and i feel like its been forever since i saw photos.

Well, Chris (possible bF) took some photos from my MySpace and FaceBook without me knowing, and he has them up on his personal page. I just really am hoping that they dont think I gave them the photos and thats why i havent gotten any.

Well, thats all for now. Im just really scared that this adoption is going to suffer on my end -

But one thing i always said, and will always believe in my heart- his parents wouldnt do anything unless they felt it was in his best interest.

(if you have followed my story, you know that I was with two different men within days of each other, I used protection with both, and neither were in a place where they could parent, nor was I. I didnt name a BirthFather on the papers, after much discussion with the Adoption Socal Worker I worked with - a huge decision, I do not regret)

Today I cried

Today i cried for you....

I miss you so much lately. It has been close to 4 years and i still wish you were in my belly. Sometimes I want to go back and hold you a little longer n the delivery room; sometimesd i want to sing to you one more time.

i thought for sure that these feelings were gone, but then, i went back and read some of the old blogs are realized, I just got better at hiding them.

I guess sometimes, i just want to close up and not talk abotu you to anyone; but then other days, i know that talking about you is the only thing keeping my sanity.

I have this wooden box in my living room, it has all of your things in it; photos, letters to you, cards from your parents and sister to me.

I miss you, so much...

Entrustment Ceremony

No matter what day it is, no matter what significance that day holds, I always think about the Entrustment Ceremony...

During this time, Keatons parents and I exchanged vows, and shared special time with all of our family. We promised to always do what was best for Keaton, and to always fullfill our roles as his Mothers, Birth, Adoptive, or otherwise...

These were the vows I said to Keaton...

As I stand here tofay, holding you in my arms, I can look down upon you and already see the wonder in your eyes. Not only am I blessed to have brought you into this world, but you have blessed everyone here today, to have come into our lives.

I want you to know that as I look at you, I;m noting every little feature that you have. You image, right now, will forever be in my mind. I will never forget how peaceful you look right now, and I hold you in my arms.

You will always be my little one; my special baby boy. Today, I vow my love for you in a way only I know know how. Today, I promise to you that I will always keep you in my heart, even if not in my arms. I will always lobe you, and think about you, and even thought I may cry, rest asure they are tears of joy.

And although I may not take you home with me today, I will always carry you in my heart, mind and soul.

I promise to you that I have thought long and hard about the decisions I have made. And I will leave today, knowing I have made the right ones. The parents I have chosen for you are special in so many ways. But I am most certain you will find all those reasons out as you grow.

Althought I may not have chosen the most traditional family for you, I have chosen the one my heart rested with. Two wonderful Mothers who will love, care for, and raise you with all the love in their hearts. From day one I never had a doubt, that they were the only people I could have asked to raise you. And with that said, I know that all the reasons I believe this, will be reveled to you in time.

And these are the Vows I spoke to His parents...

Today marks a new page in out friendship together.

The child that I hold in my arms will from now on, and forver be, "our" son. I cannot express to you the feelings I have for the both of you. The love, gratitude, and the joy that over-comes me when i think of the life you will be giving him.

The times we have shared and the times that are still to come, will always be held in my heart. I truly believe, and have come to understand, that God brought us together for a very special reason. Not only have we created a special bond together, but so have our children. And now, when we leave here today, you will begin a new bond with our son.

I look at the two of you today, and I look at Keaton, and it is almosty strage to me how much I feel at ease. I can already see the bond that has been created between the three of you, knowing that bond started from before birth.

I was blessed to be able to share times with you that some BirthMothers are not able to share with the parents they have chosen for their child.

H ~ from the first time I contacted your family, you have been my biggest source of support. You have always reassured me that if was an open option. That at any time, if I should have changed my mind, you would have understood. That alone showed me that you understood the love a mother has for a child.

From our first meeting, the first ultra sound, the joy in your eyes when we found out he was a boy, to seeing you hold him just minutes after birth. All these things have made me loose any regret my mind may have held.

R ~ I remember the first time we said hello, and I remember that moment because you had your daughter with you. The first thing I ever noticed was how much you loved her that day. And although we had not had any conversation before then, I knew that day that only were you also a perfect choice for this child, but you were also a prefect partner for H. and that eased my mind of any doubts as well.

From the first meeting, to the first ultra sound, when I saw how proud you too were to find out you were going to have a little son, to watching you cut his umbilical cord and everything in between also eased any doubts I may have held in my head.

So, today, in front of everyone who is here today, I ask you for only one thing; to raise out son, the way I know only the two of you can; with the love of a mother, two mothers; two wonderful women whom without, I may have been lost before I ever foudn this day.

This is the Last Vow I gave to Keaton as his Mother...

Keaton, I love you baby, and you will forever be in my heart, but now its time to start your journey home. And as much as I wish that home was with me, I will always be happy with the decision I made. So now, I give you to the parents I chose for you, the parents who will always be there. Today we will go our separate ways, but some times soon, I promise , we will be together again, as friends, family, and as teo people who share a special bond that no one can take from us. But for now, it is time for you ro begin that same kind of special bond with your parents. I love you (at this point I handed Keaton to his new Parents).

During the ceremony, we lit candles, played special music (I played Talking to my Angel by Melissa Etheridge, and they played "From Gods arms, To my arms, to your" by Mark Schultz), then we all had a huge dinner at a local resturant... yes, all of us... my family, and their family... it was, AMAZING...

Christmas time...

So, I just want to repost this, because not all birth moms are lucky enough to have found a family like I did.

To all the birth moms out there who happen to be spending their first christmas without their baby... I just want to let all of you know I am keeping you in my prayers...

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,
Today I’ll write my list out,
It really isn’t much,
Maybe just a phone call,
A picture, letter, or such.

Its only been a month,
Plus a few days more,S
ince the day I saw them take,
My baby out the door.

I swore I wouldn’t cry,
and for days I didn’t dare,
I knew that he understood,
I know he knew I cared.

But this year my list will be different,
No CDs, candles or clothes,
I only want one thing from you,
And that’s to let him know I love him so.....

Perhaps this isn’t an order,
That you can fill yourself,
So maybe you can ask God,
If he can offer a little help.

After all He sent the angels,
that comfort my little man,
So maybe he could ease my fears,
I've done all I can.

So now I’ll close this letter,
With a thank you, and a please,
Send my boy a piece of my heart,
Because this Christmas he wont be with me.

Love Always,
A Birth-Mother

Sometimes its not all about adoption...

I felt the need to speak out on this, even though it doesnt have to do with adoption.

I recently left (for good) a 8 month relationship. She and I both had emotional issues we were dealing with, but weeks ago, I started seeing a difference. I never knew who she would be from one day to the next, and in the end I had no idea she was who she turned out to be.

I sit here now, with a swollen eye, that is brused purple, because I told her I was leaving for good.

PLEASE, if you know someone who is in this kind of relationship, do what you can to help them leave. PLEASE dont sit by and think they will get out when they are ready. PLEASE dont assume they can do it on their own. PLEASE dont think they are stong enough to take care of it.

In the end,w e all need someone to tell us we are worth it, and if the person we are in a relationship is telling us we are not worth it, then we need someone else to tell us we are.

My life isnt ALL about adoption

Yes, thats right, my life is not all about adoption. Shocking, isn't it?

I have come accross quite a few people with quite a few differnt views on my life and the choices I have made, but, it really doesnt bother me. Yes, I did place my son in adoption, but not because I wanted to give him away, but because I wanted to give him more then I had. I already had a child I was trying to take care of, and I knew I couldnt care for another one. And its days like today when im glad I made the decision I made.

Today my life isnt about adoption, its about the H1N1.

When this thing first came out, it was all over, "(this many) people died this year fromt he swine flu.", "The local schools were shut down due to an outbreak of the flu, H1N1 results have not come in yet.", "the swine flu is taking over!" OK, so look...
I myself, just like everyone else I am sure, was scared shitless to get H1N1, i really thought I would die from it. Then they shots came out, and Im like dude... I get sick as a dog from the normal flu shot, I dont even wanna think about what that one would do to me. So, i didnt go get the shot, and i didnt get it for Kat either. So, my daughter and I are not vaccinated. No big deal, right?

WRONG.

Last tuesday, I got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I wasnt too thrilled. Anyways, I got home, and started feeling crappy. My first thought was that this is my bodys way of telling me what lays ahead of me. So, I took about 3 hot baths, and laid down in bed, but I couldnt sleep. around midnight, I started throwing up, and around 1am, my first fever spike hit. Not fun...

Wednesday morning, I wake up, kat gets on the bus, and I drive myself to the ER - my vomit is like dark green, yea, not too sure what that was all about. Anyways, they pumped me with fluids, and sent me home. Never even sent out blood work, just, told me I had a virus, and have me some Motrin. NICE

Thursday, I feel like Im on my death bed. I cant move, I cant eat, I cant cough because i'll just throw up what I dont have inside me. And its getting harder to breath when I go up and down the steps. THAT is not like me at all. Im a bigger girl, but Im also healthy, and can easily take every flight of steps in our house and not miss a step, a beat, or breath heavy.

Friday morning comes, I call the doctors office - go back to the ER. OK!
Get into the ER, and they have me there for a while. I have Pnumonia, but the quick flu test came back negative... PHEW! that was close, I was scared I was going to have H1N1.
"So the quick test is only 50/50, sometimes it catches it, sometimes it doesnt, so we need to take llike a gallon of yoru blood a few skin graphs, a kidney biopsy, and possibly half a lung!" WHAT THE!!! Ok, just kidding, but they did say it only catches it half the time. So then why did they do the test at all?

Anyways, that was it, they admitted me, and thank god they did, because the H1N1? Came back positive

Today is Monday, and they are goign to send me home. But for now, I am getting dizzy, and need to pay back down. I'll fill in the 2 day gap when I get up.

Medical history

Sometimes its hard for me to hear about my little man getting sick, but its eaven harder to know that im sick.

I am so glad im in an open adoption, but even more so because I know that things like medical history can be shared. This way, they can know about something I might be going through, and they can let me know about anything Keaton is going through. I have other kids, so, its good to know if something is hereditary, if i should look out for it with the other two.

Anyways, thats something to think about. If you are going into a closed adoption, make sure you provide all of the medical history you possibly can! And if you are in an open adoption, fully open or semi-open, make sure you are passing that information back and forth.

I really think the health of our babies is whats most important. So, know whats going on, or what could be going on is the best plan of action.