Adoption; Then & Now series

I have to admit, when I first found out I was pregnant, adoption was not my first choice. I couldn’t hand my baby to someone who was going to make a 500 yard pass across the hospital to people I didn’t even know! I was only a few weeks along, but I already knew I loved my baby. And I couldn’t just let anyone have him. In the time before Roe v. Wade

I sat down at the computer and figured I might as well look into it anyways, because, as it was, I couldn’t even support my daughter and myself. So, away I went.

www.yahoo.com -> Enter key word, “Adoption”

“Pet Adoption”
“Animal Adoption”
“International Adoption”
“Open Adoption”
“Closed Adoption”

Wait, what is open adoption?

Yep, those two words changed my mind that very minute; Open Adoption.

You can get photos, updates, letters in the mail, and visits?!?!?
I had no idea, not in my wildest dreams that you could visit with the child you gave up for adoption. (Yes, I said gave up, bear with me!)

I remember finding a few websites where you could browse through families like you were picking out a gift for someone. “How strange”, was the only thing I remember thinking. It was like I was shopping for a family for my child. Didn’t the adoptive family usually shop for a baby for their family??

After a few days, I sent a few e-mails, but never got any response. Apparently I wasn’t appealing enough for their taste in breeds.

Then, I found a website for the Independent Adoption Center in Illinois, or the IAC for short. They too, like many of the other web sites, had profiles of families you could browse through. After searching and searching, I finally came across a profile, and there was a family picture of two Mommies, and a daughter from their first adoption; all three with big beautiful smiles and glowing eyes, as if to say “Here we are! We have been waiting for you!!” And waiting they were…

Later I found out that, for some odd reason, their profile had not been working, and had JUST started working the day I started to search on the IAC web site.

Well, I looked, and looked, and looked some more. But I always ended up reading their profile. Finally, I sent an e-mail to them, and H responded within minutes. I was shocked, scared, worried. Now that I made contact, did it mean I had to go through with it? Did it mean they now, by some odd adoption right, had claim to my child?

Well, they didn’t. They made it pretty clear that this was not a legal thing until the baby was born, and they were there, for now, as a resource. Weather I decided to pick them or not, they were willing to help answer any questions I had. And, they did.

The rest if history, or course. Because now, they are, in my opinion, the best parents I could have chosen for my son J

SO, the point is, between then and now, so much has changed. We as a society have grown so much more empathetic. We understand the need for a parent and child to have a bond, Birth or Adoptive.  Yes, Parent, not just the Mother.

I’m sorry, but it’s not just the BirthMother who suffers some sort of loss or grief. I really would LOVE to hear from some Birthfathers who have gone through the process of placing a child up for adoption.

Oh… did you see the change in jargon? Rather than “Giving away” I said “placing”. Yes, because it has changed!

From the early days until now, we have made so much progress in the placement of children in Adoption. Unfortunately, there are instances where the child, for its own safety is taken from the parent, and given (by the agency or church) to an adoptive family. But, when it comes to a mother, who is putting the needs of her child, before the wants of her heart, she is going through this heart wrenching process, of placing her child, in the best home possible, so that they are loved, and cared for.

In the time before Roe v. Wade the mothers didn’t have that option, and the fathers being a part of the decision was mostly unheard of. But now, that’s all changed. While you rarely ever heard of a Birthfather being part of the adoption plan, it does happen. This isn’t 1950 when it was the entire girls fault, and she was sent away as part of the punishment for doing this.

You see, between then and now, so much has changed; the rights, the information given to the birth mother, to the adoptive parents, the involvement of the birth father, the involvement of the families.

I encourage you, if you haven’t already to read the book “The Girls who Went Away” by Ann Fessler, an adoptee from the pre Row v. Wade era. I also encourage you to go back, and read my journey as a birth mother; my ups and downs, the ins and outs. Dig into the involvement I was able to have during the process. Then, come back, and read these blogs, my “Then and Now” blogs, so that you can really see how different things are.

I have pulled a lot of my info from books, and articles and web sites. But I want to hear from people as well. So, if you have a story you want to share, if you are a BirthMother, a BirthFather, and Adoptive Parent, an adoptee, or a member of either the Birth or Adoptive family, come forward and share your story. I would be more than happy to share your story here; I would gladly keep it anonymous and short, sharing as much detail as you wish, or simply one sentence that sums it up for you.

But, if you are able to write, I encourage you to have a blog. Make an alias and create a blog, use whatever name you wish, but please, share your story. If your child is 2 years old, or 62 years old, people need to hear your story, and you need to be heard.

Please, come out; come out, where ever you are.

The time to talk is now; the time to listen is NOW.

This next set of blog titled “Then and Now” are going to look at the differences between adoption Then (In the time before Roe v. Wade) and Now….

I hope you enjoy them!! Please leave comments if you want to add anything!

Remember,
You are LOVED,
Always,
Me

Remembering the BirthMom

I sit here in almost tears, after reading only the first 6 pages of “The Girls Who Went Away: The hidden history of Women who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades before Roe v. Wade” by Ann Fessler.

I beg you, be it that you are a Child of adoption, a Birth mother, Adoptive Mother, or any other family member; read this book!

I was ready to read a stale story of a matter-of-fact adoption where the baby was swept away and there was a long long fight for information. Wrong…

My heart stings were pulled from page 2.

This woman Ann, has, so far as I have learned, a Mother who has a heart that aches for the BirthMother. For the child’s first 3 birthdays there was an extra candle placed on the cake for the mother? I have never heard of such a thing; such a beautiful remembrance of the life being celebrated. A life that has roots somewhere else longing to know if this child is ok; The celebration of not just one life, but two.

Sometimes I wonder if or how the BirthMothers of today are celebrated in the adoptive family.

It hurts to know that some of these families do not even let the child know they are adopted; do they know what they are keeping from them? It is not just about pictures and updates about the child, but there are updates about the birth family as well.

What if there are significant health concerns that are hereditary and could be passed along to the birth child? Or, what if there are health concerns that have arisen in the birth child that the doctor informs the parents, “This is a health concern for future children as well.” That information needs to be passed along.

How can these things be kept?

I applaud those who keep an open adoption, even if it is private. If this is a private intimate relationship the two mothers share, or a forged bond both families have created, it is one that needs to be made.

I understand that there are times when the BirthMother is just emotionally unable to have an open adoption, times when the child who is placed was conceived in a non-consensual way. But health is still a concern; physical, and mental.

I sometimes find myself crying, simply imagining Keaton calling another woman Mommy. But then I remember, I was blessed with the ability to chose his parents. I had months to spend time with them; at doctors appointments, social outings, dinners, etc. We all wanted to make sure this bond was best for him. And thankfully, it was not rushed, it was not a quiet thing, it was not a secret. I was able to speak out about it, and be loud about it.

I may not have screamed from the roof tops “I am placing my baby up for adoption!!!” But every time someone asked me how far along I was, and if I was excited, I smiled, said yes, and shared the adoption plan.

I didn’t need anyones approval, I needed more so, to hear it come out of my own mouth. Is this really what I was going to do? Was I really about to hand my child to this couple, and give up all my rights to him? Was I really going to agree to miss out on his first word, first tooth, first step, etc? Was I really willing to do all this, when just 2 years prior, I had given birth to a son, and after it proving to be too much of an emotional strain, lost him to his father? Was I giving up my son?

Giving up?
Giving away?
Saying Good bye?
Abandoning?
Leaving?
Leaving Behind?
Left behind…

Left behind is perfect…

I remember sitting on the front porch, leaving my case manager in the dining room of my parent’s house. I wanted them to bring my son home, or I wanted to go with them. I felt like, I was, Left Behind.

I remember crying, thinking, they signed the papers, I hadn’t. I wanted to make them bring him back, I wanted to hold my son a little more, I wanted to sing to him once more, I wanted to feed him again, I wanted to count all his fingers and toes again. I wanted to hold him one last time…

My fear was, they had what they wanted. And as my case manager said, all of the promises we made, the adoption plan we made, it was all on faith and trust. There was no legally binding contract saying they had to send photos, make phone calls, or schedule visits. What if they never called me again? What if they never e-mailed me?

I finally got up, and walked back in, and signed the papers. I had no choice. I had nothing for him here; they had everything for him there.

I couldn’t even provide for my daughter who lived with me. Looking back now, I honestly don’t even know where her clothes or shoes came from. I know everything logical points to my mother providing these things. But, I was never able to provide them.

I remember the night of the entrustment ceremony, I showered, and walked out into the hallway, and heard my mother crying from her bedroom. I walked in, and knew she was crying for her grandson who had left our life. I don’t remember what she said to me, I just remember telling her “The best support you gave me, was supporting my decision.” We both cried for a while, and finally, we both needed sleep.

The first phone call I made was at almost 10pm.

First I said sorry for calling so late, and what I was expecting was rules to be laid out right away; this is when you can call, this is how much notice we need, etc, etc, etc. Instead I got, “Oh girl! We were just watching some DVR shows and feeding the little man.” I was relieved. I cryed, I asked questions, I cried, I laughed, I asked questions. It was as if a million pounds were lifted from my shoulders, and heart.

But, my heart still hurt.
My stomach was still empty.
I still cried.
I still slept with his hospital blanket sometimes.
I still clung to his hospital bracelet.
I still wanted my baby boy home with me.

Well, here I am, almost 5 ½ years later, and all those things still apply; yes, even the baby blanket. If you have read my past blogs you know the journey I have taken, the ups and downs; Not only with the adoption, but with my depression and mental illness as well.

You see, all of these things have built me into the woman I am today; scars and all.
I refuse to be silent and still, I must be loud and on the move; Even if only via my blog.

I applaud all of you birth mothers out there who put the needs of your child before the needs of your heart; and I applaud you adoptive parents who put the needs of your BirthMother right next to the needs of your child. 

Adoption doesn't DEFINE me

I find myself going back to this every once in a while.

Reminding myself, and others, that my life isn't just about Adoption.

I also have two other children, and a great big family.

Which this blog focuses on mostly my adoption trials, ups and downs, there are other aspects of my life that others should be aware of.

Kathleen is 8 years old, and the angel in my life. In the darkest days of my depression, her smile and hug and whisper "It will be ok" makes me realize a) how lucky I am, and b) how sadly she has had to grow up too fast. I pray that everything we have been thought as a family, including the adoption, makes her a stronger woman when she grows up.

Alexander is 7, and while he lives with his father about 3 hours away, he is still my shining star. He is truly Daddys little man' loves wrestling and sports, two things I can happily do without LOL.

It is very hard to have an active relationship with him, because they are so far away, and I dont drive. But, I call him when I can, and when its possible. And recently his father and I have been able to open up communications between us, so its been a lot easier. Alex and I used to have short phone conversations, but lately they are getting longer, and more detailed, more fun even. We used to have short 5 minute calls, "How are you?" "Whats new?" "how is school?" "I miss you"

But lately, they have been longer, full of laughs, and smiles, and stories about what we are doing. He is all boy, and not a talker, but when we get on the phone, its like we can open out minds, and close our eyes, and we can be sitting next to each other.

My sister is getting ready to welcome her second baby boy, and her first son is already 15!!

My brother who was on American Idol still dabbles in music, but is settling down more into the work force, as the music industry is not as easy as you may think.

My other brother who was diagnosed with Remissive MS back in October still fights every day to get back to 100% him! He has gone from a wheelchair to using just a cane in just a few short months!

Mom and Dad still live in the same house, and we often use it as the gathering place the family doings 

We will soon be using it for Andrews 27th birthday party!!!

See - My life isn't only about Adoption! Go to my profile and check out all my other blogs!

I have a personal blog about other things as well, so be sure to check there for more about me :-)

ClevelandMomma.blogspot.com

I hope to see some new followers on my other blog!

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

All Life has to Offer

I will be the first to admit that I have felt guilty.... that I have this underlining fear that my child will hate me.

No, not Keaton, but Kathleen.... my daughter who is at home with me.

Keaton is in a home where he wants for nothing, but is not spoiled. He is provided everything he needs, and is living happy.

But kathleen is here with me. Where shoes that fit comfortable only come once a year, if that. Where shut off notices are like wallpaper for our fridge, and where fear of how we will pay the biklls often fills out home with a stress thickened air.

I fear that she will grow to hate me... why did I decide this was enough for her, but not for him? Why was he given everything he could ever need, yet we can barely scrape to make ends meat?

I often wonder if Keaton will grow up to think little of us. He lives in this huge beautiful house with two livingrooms and a playroom off one of them.... their house looks like a model for Better Homes & Garden.

But our home.... its clutter struck... things laying around I fear to get rid of because, what if we need them one day? We don't have the money to go buy them again. Our home is small... stand in the diningroom hallway door and see every room in this place...

Keatons room is huge! Filled with clothes and stuffed animals, a dresser for his things, pictures on the walls...

Kathleens room has clothes thrown into it... on plastic crates because we cannot afford a dresser. Laundry baskets double as toy bins when they aren't being used... and the only "promising" thing she has is a TV with a dule DVD/VCR.

Her father will not pay child support... he has everything handed to him and there for has no need for any income. So, Andrews income supports us all.

I feel like my legs are failing me more and more each day. They have been a problem since 2008 but are getting worse and worse.

My inability to work outside the home is wearing on everyone. My anxiety and panic attacks have taken over my life. And the view from my front porch is all I can see of the world most days.

If Keaton knew this, that THIS is where he came from, would he still be proud to call us his birth family??

In closing, 

Remember, 

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

Interference

So, my adoption has changed, and im not quite sure why, or how. But, I dont feel like I need to ask either.

Before you read any further, let me make a general statement... I DONT BLAME ANYONE. I chose this adoption, and I chose this couple because I trusted, and still trust them, to do what ever they think it right for Keaton.

In the beginning R&H made the adoption completely open. But, things were different. R worked full time, and H was a stay at home mom. Both shared parenting duties, but there was more time for me to contact them; they had more free time for the communication.

Well, that has changed. H is in school full time, so the time slots have filled quickly.

But, last year, KEatons (possible) BirthFather contacted me and stated he wanted information on Keaton and his parents. I refused! Its not my place to pass out their info. I would not betray their trust like that. Soon after, his mother contacted me, trying to convince me that it was in everyones best interest for them to have contact as well. I told her the most I would do is pass along the adoption agency info. Well, before I did this, I wanted to contact the adoption agency and make sure that by doing this, i wasnt breaching anyones trust, that R&H's info would not be given out, and that nothing would get broken.

I was assured it wouldnt.

Before I could even get back in touch with his mother, she emailed me a very nasty letter, and stated that she had already contacted a private investigatorand got all of the info on the adoption, and the aParents.

WHAT?!?!?!

I quickly e-mailed R&H to let them know that I did NOT give out any of their info, and that i tried as hard as I could to comfort the birthfatehr and his family, but in the end they took it into their own hands.

R&H also know that this man may not be the father - I was young and stupid and alone, i has slept with two differnt men in the course of a week.

This is one of the things I am ashamed of, but I am not ashamed of the outcome.

R&H were waiting for a son, and I was the one who was able to give them that gift.

But its hard; not knowing if the interrerence from the BFather is the reason there are no more e-mails, photos, or phone calls.

I always got a card on BirthMothers day (The Saturday before Mothers Day), but this year I didnt get anything. Just a short note on FB saying they were thinking of me.

I e-mailed them back, and asked if it was possible to get photos, or a phone call. They asked for my phone number again, but i havent heard anything yet.

All in all I would never change a thing about the adoption.

I am still proud to call them the parents of my son; I just wish I had personally done things different in the beginning.

The possible BirthFather was well into drugs, had some issues with the law he was taking care of; and I tried to tell him about it. I remember fights we had over the phone about it. But, he never realized the responsibility... and the other man only offered to pay for an abortion... and when that became too late, he said he would take custody from me, and not by my choice.

In the end, I am glad, and proud of the decision I made.

Anyways, today is my Son's birthday, Alex, and he is 7. It makes me think of Keaton... I wonder what he looks like, how much he is like me, how much he is like the BFather, how much he is like his parents.

I missed his first step, first word, etc.... and I wonder what all of them were....

I just, miss him

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

My Birth Right

A lot of people ask me what rights I have to my son; Keaton.

People assume that because I placed him into an open adoption that my rights were severed and no longer exist. Sorry, your wrong.

I placed him with the most amazing couple because as his BirthMother, I had the right, and the duty to make sure he had everything i knew I couldnt provide at the time.

In the state of Ohio, you have to wait three days to sign over your parental rights; and during those three days, I spent time with Keaton's parents, and with my family. I had plenty of time to think over my decision; after 72 hours, I would be signing away all legal rights to him. Ah, but thats where it ends. Or does it?

I was lucky enough to have almost my entire pregnancy to get to know his parents. I remember making a phoen call to them after my first in-office unltrasound, and this was befor eI even had met them. I proudly let them know that "Your baby is doing great!" I knew from the first few e-mails that they were the couple for me. And twards the end, I told his Mommy "I am still waiting for a reason not to pick you two, but I just cant seem to find one." She smiled and comment, "Well, please stop looking!" and we laughed 

I may not have any legal rights, but I have my birth rights, and responisilibites.

My birth rights?

He will always be a child that I nurtured and cared for in my womb. I tookd care of him in a way only a birthmother can. I gave him 9 healthy months in utero; and then, I gave him a lifetime of love and possibilities. My birthright was to make the right decision for him. It was my right to love him, and caqre for him.

My legal right's said I could keep him, and get government assistance and raise him the best I could; my birth responsibilites were different.

My responsibility told me that I had to make syre my son was cared for in a way I couldn't. I had to make sure he grew up in a safe secure home; with at least one parent who is able to care for him in every way possible. I was just lucky enough to find a home with two amazing people to raise him!

So please, when you question why I "gave my son away" stop and think, because I didnt giv e him away, I simply gave him a better life. And when you question why I didnt love my son enough to keep him, stop and think; because I loved him enough to know I couldnt provide all the things for him that his parents can.

He has two forever Mommie's who love him more then anything. He has a huge, amazing family.

I am proud to say I am a Birth Mother; because the word "Birthmother means LOVE"

And not only do I love him, but I love his mommies and his sister too!! Such an amazing family.

I know I am just as blessed as he is to hae picked the parents I did.

I love you guys!!!

No New Photos

Well, its been almost 10 months since i got new photos in the mail. Chris (the possible father) contacted the parents and im scared they are backing away from a relationship with me.

I really wish i could feel better about it, but i just feel like crap. Idk...