Friday, November 2, 2012

Its time to come clean

So, I have been putting this off for a LONG, LONG time. I felt like it wasn't my place to share this, but someone convinced me, its OK.

After all, this blog is about my story, and this is very much a part of it.

In March I received an e-mail from my BirthSons Mom telling me she and her partner had parted ways. That my BirthSon would still be with her, and the other was moving to Colorado.

I was broken. But I couldn't think about it negatively. I had to show my support, and understanding. Inside, I wanted to yell and scream at the one who left, but on the outside I shared my love and support for the one who stayed.

So, here is my rant of why I was so hurt.

Yes, I am the first one to say, "Hey look, adoption or natural, parents and parents and they are people too. Some people grow closer, some people grow apart. Time changes us all; Change is irrelevant."

Well, here is where my hurt comes in.

The one who left and I were close - so very close. She was the one I spoke to on a weekly basis, she was my birthing coach, she was at the appointments with me, she did everything. She made promises, and I believed her.

Now, I understand people change, some people grow apart. But how could you leave, and move so far away?

It breaks my heart; looking at the photos from the day my son was born, and seeing the ones of her holding him, crying, loving him, cooing after him - how could you love a child that much, and walk away? It would be a million times different if she had gotten her own apartment in town somewhere - but now she is so far away.

So, here is how I feel on the upside - I am glad that the one who stayed, did stay. She is an amazing woman, strong, and she will make it. For some reason, I think I felt this coming. I think it was his third birthday, something was off - I'm not sure. Then last year, his 5th Birthday - he pointed out "This is Mommy's room and this is Mamma's room" I asked my Mom, but she said it was none of my business. So, I didn't ask at first, but then I did.

I didn't get a response until I got the e-mail about the separation.

I don't blame either of them - people have issues, and some cant be worked through. Believe me, Andrew and I have been there a few times. But I just think, I wish I had know earlier. I wish the one who left hadn't been so open and promising to me. Honestly, I feel like I could never look at her in that way again.

I shared tears with her, feeling so blessed to be able to give her another child when her health made it impossible. I told her how blessed I felt, that she had to go through that - because had she not been looking to adopt, I don't know if I would have ever found a family perfect for my son.

Now - let me say this.

I STILL feel like this is the perfect family for him. He has an amazing Mommy at home, loving him, and taking care of him. For the first 5 years, he had two great parents. My feelings for the one who left may be sour now, but while she was there - of what I saw - she was a great parent. I am just confused, and hurt as to why she left. But THAT is where my connection is lost - because its none of my business. The only part that is my business, is that she made a promise to me, and she broke it.

Had I know this would of happened, I still would have chosen the family - I just would have made a better effort to get closer to the one who stayed.

At any rate - if either one of you are reading this - I love you both. I will always respect both of you wishes - I just wish I had a better understanding, some sort of communication with the one who left - because I feel like, you made me a part of your family, and now I am left in the dark with minimal info. It will take a long time for me to process this soft of change - but I will always view it positively - because that's all I can do.

With much love
- Patty