Christmas time

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I cant help but wonder what Keaton is doing today. I wonder if he is very excited for Santa to come see him tomorrow night.

I wonder if he has gotten pictures with Santa, and wish I could have one. I wonder what R&H got him. Is it a gift I would have chosen? Or is it something I would have had no clue to pick out. 

This time of year is hard for me, hard for everyone. This year I will be missing more than just Keaton. 

This is the second year without my Grandmother, and it still feels like the first. I will lay in bed tonight and cry, and cry. Tomorrow I am sure I will spend a lot of time over tears. Its funny, but as much as I know others will be crying on Christmas, missing her, I would just feel out of place if I let them see me cry. 

I havent put the gifts under the tree yet, I just dont feel the Christmas spirit yet. The cookies are (almost) all baked, and the gifts are (almost) all wrapped, but something just doesnt feel right. 

I look over to my book shelves every day and look at the Candy Dispensers and notice only two missing. One I let my Aunt Janet keep - the Christmas one - and one I gave to Alex to take home. 

This year, missing Keaton isn't so hard, its missing my Grandma Fraser that is breaking my heart into a million pieces....

Part of me wishes I could just skip Christmas and New Years, and go right to January 2nd. 

Part of me just wishes I was a little kid again, down Grandma's basement for a New Years Eve party.

Remember

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

Holidays and Such

Well, another year has passed...
This year I got to attend Keaton's Birthday, it really wasn't the same as the last one.

But soon after, the holidays started;
Halloween, (which really isn't a Holiday, but more of a fun day)- I always wonder what he wore, how much Candy he got, where they went, how far they walked. Did they check the candy? How do they check the candy?

Then Thanksgiving - I wonder where they went, if they mentioned me at all, or his sisters BirthMom; if they gave thanks for us. I wonder where they ate, what they had, if Keaton thought about me, if they thought about me.

Its strange, no matter how busy I am, they always pop into my mind, I always think of him, Always.

Now Christmas is coming.

But that will have to be for another post, because I dont think I could handle that blog right now...

Remember

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

Birthday #5!!!!!

Well, the last time I saw Keaton was at his 3rd Birthday party. I loved being there, but it was deffinetly too long ago.

Well, I finally got a response back from his parents. All with just cause. I know they are both super busy - one works full time, the other in school full time, both taking their hand in raising the kids - but it sucks when we lose communication for a while.

While im sure ANY birth mother goes through the same thing, adding my depression and anxiety to it is never good.

But, like they say, all good things must come to an end. And its not an end to the openess, just the great amount of communication.

I guess the one thing I always will regret, is never having him meet my Grandma.

Other than that, I have  no regrets.

I have to do whats right by them, and by Keaton. And I agree 100% with their decision to not forge anymore bonds or relationships with anyone else. He is their child. They have to do what they think is best.

Anyways, In the e-mail, I was invited to his 5th Birthday!!!

Cant wait to see him. I am so excited <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

From Then till Now

This has been, the longest two years of my life...

But I will never label anything a mistake.

I have been confused, and hurt, and it had made me rethink a lot of decisions in my life, but I will never regret placing Keaton up for Adoption.

But there is one thing I do regret.

When I got pregnant with Keaton, I had slept with two different men, one who was a close friend, who, in all reality, was my first true love. But the first loves are clouded with misjudgment and often filled with unrealistic things that we only want to see, and not what is truly in front of us.

The second was someone who was just a friend, we would talk, laugh, cook dinner together, watch movies - we were just friends, the sex was NOT part of the plan. I was living with my Aunt, and I was alone. My friend at the time, Kristy, introduced me to him, and we went out for a few drinks, and he invited me over the next weekend for movies. We both made it clear we didn't want to be involved with anyone, but both of us enjoyed the others company.

The night with Chris, we smoked, and had sex... I dont remember much, but I remember sex was part of it, and so was protection.

The two nights with Aaron involved sex, and protection.

The pregnancy was not supposed to be part of either.... But it happened, and for a good reason.

Look, I have had my fair share of emotional issues to deal with, some not so bad, some horrific. But here I am, making it through them all.

I told both, and from Chris, I got talk it wasnt his, to leave him alone, etc.

From Aaron, I got that he wanted full custody or an abortion. I opted to lie about an abortion, as I refused to let this man take custody of a child when in all honesty, I had only known him a few weeks.

Adoption....

I withheld information on the birthfather, and IW as told I had the right to do so my the social worker. I told her about both Chris and Aaron, but also told her that I didnt believe either of them, nor myself, were stable to raise a baby. She agreed, and left the choice up to me.

I withheld.

Chris saw a photo of Keaton in my car one day when I picked him up from a rehab for break, and he started crying, "Oh my God, this is my kid. Patty, if you could see baby pictures of me you would know. This is my kid!!"

I told Chris about Aaron, even explained that Aaron and Keaton looked a lot alike.

And if you look at pictures, its hard. Chris and Keaton look a like as babies, but Aaron and Keaton look almost identical in current photos.

I accept that this is part of my own journey. But I also must respect the fact that Keaton's parents are not wanting or willing to build a relationship with either of these individuals.

But, then comes the pain.

Chris went behind my back and found out who Keaton's parents were, and contacted them.

First his mother told me that she was going to hire a private detective, and then he told me my ex gave him the information.

Chris asked me everything about Keaton, and I shared all the non-personal information (or what they call, non-identifying).

I shared his box - the adoption papers, I showed him the Birth Father packet that I left blank, and explained that I didn't know if I should add Aaron's info, or his, he said he understood. I showed him the scrap book from the Entrustment ceremony. I showed him the hospital bracelets, etc.

Well, in 2010 is when he went behind my back to contact them.

His mother messaged me on MySpace, and I told her I couldnt give her any info, not even first names, but I could contact the adoption agency and ask them what I can give. Well, before I had the chance, she and chris somehow found out who they were and e-mailed them.

I will never forgive them for that.

Since then, H started back to school and the communications have cut back severely. I'm sure to them its ok, but to me it sucks lol.

For the first 3 years we talked and exchanged e-mails all the time. But now, it takes a few months to get a response. While my heart completely understand, my mind plays games and tells me all the worst reasons.

I was up front with every one about everything, and now my honesty is coming back to bite me in the ass.

TBC....

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

Fears & Tears

I've been debating for the last Month and a half on sending my BirthSon a letter in the  mail. I think, I THINK, I have decided to send one to him, along with his parents.

I have sent them an e-mail, and each a message on FaceBook, but have not gotten a responce from either. Its heart breaking, you know? I dont like to contact them a lot because I know they are busy, but even a simply, "Hey, we got and read your letter, we will respond as soon as we get a free minute." would be more then amazing.

There is the me from 2006 that says they would never ignore me or brush me aside or push me out of Keatons life. But then there is the 2011 me who has been through so much since then that says they are slowly cutting contact with me because they feel im not a good link for Keaton right now.

It scares me, a lot. More then a lot. I've hidden Keatons Box behind my nephews Pack-N-Play, and it usually stays covered with a blanket. Its very hard for me to think about him. I will be honest, there are some days I try to NOT think about him. And I've succeeded at going even a week without thinking of him once. And its hard, but it sucks and releases the pain all at the same time.

I don't have anyone to talk to about it, and those who shared the journey with me those few days are emotionally and physically unavailable to me right now, so, I have no one to share memories with.

I want to talk to the people who were there with me about it; my mom about the hospital visits and the Entrustment ceremony, my Aunt about the day she picked me up from the Hospital and drove me home. I want to talk to my Sister about the ceremony, and the dinner she all shared that night - his new family and mine.

I want to talk to R & H about the dedication ceremony and visits with them the first two years. I want someone to talk to me, and tell me they remember to.

He is becoming more of a dream, and less of a reality. Something I try more often to forget then remember, because I cant deal with it on my own any more.

I can talk to my counselor all I want, but she was not there, she did not hold me when I cried, she cannot hold me when I cry.

And as much as I love Andrew, he does not know what type of emotions I am dealing with. he was not there. I feel as if all of this was a big dream - I find myself wondering if I dreamed it all up.

Was there even ever a baby? Are R & H the A-Parents? Who am I calling when I dial that number? Did the Entrustment ceremony ever truly take place? Did we all pack into that tiny corner restaurant by the church? Were those adoption agencies just places that my mind created?

Truth: I feel as if Keaton never existed some days, because I have no one to talk to about him.

Lie: I....... (fill in the blank)

*sigh*

Remember

you are LOVED,

always,

...Me

I honestly am not sure....

At this point I feel a little award sending any emails because I don't get a response. I know its because they are super busy, but on my bad days its just personal ammo. So I let it go...

I need to get a letter or card in the mail, but im so bad. I never know what it write.. I've started hundreds only to scrap them into the trash and blog instead.

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

Then & Now - The Placement pt. 2 - the Entrustment Ceremony

The “then” part doesn’t even exist in this blog… there was NOTHING like this back then. There was nothing in the placement part where the birthmothers met the Adoptive Parents, or place the child with them. This was unheard of; it just wasn’t done.

But the “Now”… the now is amazing!!!

Now, for those who chose to have it; the placement can be the park that makes or breaks the cycle of grief. I truly believe that in my journey the entrustment ceremony is what made my heart so at ease. Did it make it easier to place him? Hell No!!! BUT, it did make it easier to forge this bond with his new family.

Yes, his entire family.

I remember imagining it being Keaton, and his parents, and my family… but their family was there as well. It made a world of difference. I won’t get into major details here, but I truly felt like not only Keaton, but my whole family was being welcomed into their family as well.

Some of the things that happened were unreal; I have had many people tell me that my journey was very rare, and unheard of in most cases. But I am so happy to have had this journey.

Please, check out more information on Entrustment Ceremonies. And Please feel free to go back into my blog and read about mine.

We spoke vows to each other, we lit a unity candle, we played music, and we cried. We all cried. It was a beautiful marriage of the families together, in a way only mothers can make happen; Birth and Adoptive.

Below are some links you can check out for entrustment ceremonies.

BirthMom Buds – Entrustment Ceremonies
http://www.birthmombuds.com/entrustment_ceremonies.htm

Open Adoption Insight – Entrustment Ceremonies
http://www.openadoptioninsight.org/entrustment_ceremonies.htm

Beliefnet – The Entrustment Ceremony
http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Parenting/2000/06/The-Entrustment-Ceremony.aspx

Adoption.com – Entrustment Ceremony Poems
http://unplanned-pregnancy.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/entrustment-ceremony-poems

Family Hopes – The Importance of Adoption Placement Ceremonies or Entrustment Ceremonies
http://www.familyhopes.com/adoption/the-importance-of-adoption-placement-ceremonies-or-entrustment-ceremonies/

Adoptive Families – A Bridge of Love: One Family’s Entrustment Ceremony
http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1365

Ten & now - Adoption Plan & Placement

I believe that there are as many adoption journeys as there are colors in the rainbow. From one share to another, no single line is the same. As the colors blend, a new one is formed, and a new use is found for the color. New names, new uses, new additions, new findings….

Have you ever found yourself going through the stages of grief, and thinking, “I don’t remember this being one of the stages”? Well, I think the stages of grief weren’t set out around adoption.

When you think of someone who is grieving, it is someone who has lost a loved one to death, divorce, or a serious illness that may, or may not have, resulted in death. But that isn’t where it ends, is it? Women know that it doesn’t end there…

In the time before Roe v. Wade women of all ages, who, if were found pregnant out of wedlock, and without a suitable boy to marry, were forced into maternity homes and had their children taken away from them. There were not explained the process of grief, they were simply told, they must forget and move on. There would be no talking about it, there was no mention of a pregnancy, or an adoption. It was simply a last minute stay with a sick aunt who needed help. But those women, those women who had their babies ripped from their arms without option, they didn’t have a grieving process… they didn’t get to grieve; they didn’t get to go through the stages with support.

I am ever so thankful, that my adoption took place in 2006, a time when women have the right to choose, the right to be picky, the right to be involved, and the right to make a decision with options. I was given a list of social services that would give a free crib, free clothes, free diapers, free formula, etc. In the time before Roe v. Wade, there was no list of services handed to the unwed mother, only a feeling of shame that was placed on her, and only her; this pregnancy was her doing and she should be made to know so.

In 2006, I got to log onto the internet and search for a couple who I thought would raise my son the same way I would. I got to call them and speak to them with no one else forcing me into this. I got to browse through profiles as if I was looking for the perfect fitting pair of jeans in a Penny’s catalog.  I got to read all about how they spent their day, look at photos of their family, read about the kids they may, or may not already have.

In the time before Roe v. Wade there was no talking to perspective parents, there was no asking who they were, what do they look like, what kind of jobdoes the father have? There was only a pregnancy, a labor and delivery, and a few short days to say good-bye, if you were lucky. There were no follow up visits, no photos, no yearly updates. These children most likely grew up never knowing they were adopted; or if they were informed, they had no record to go back and find their birth mother.

In 2006, I got to share my Doctor visits, and birthing plan with my son’s parents and even his sister’s (my daughter, and theirs). I got to watch as these two sisters, soon to be welcoming a little brother, would take turns finding the baby’s heart beat at the mid-wife checkups.  We would share afternoons together at the appointments, and sometimes dinner, laughing and comparing notes on the relationship we were building. I remember clear as it was yesterday the one time I said to R, “Im still trying to find a reason not to pick you and H, but I can’t find one.” She smiled and said, “Then stop looking!” And, I did.

In the time before Roe v. Wade there were no one to hold your hand at doctor visits, only the doctors who were usually cold and cruel to the “bad girl” who was not in this home for un-wed mothers. There was no sharing the adoption or birth plan with anyone, not even your family. There was no laughing around a dinner table after appointments, talking about hopes for the future. There was only silence.

In 2006, I said hello, and cried, as I had my son placed on my chest, and yelled for everyone to stop when the nurse tried to cut the umbilical cord. Keaton’s Mommy and Momma were in the room during the entire labor and delivery, and I had no intentions on letting anyone BUT his Mommy cut that cord! His Momma was my birthing coach, holding one hand, while my Mom held my other. His Momma coaching me to breath, while my Mom stood close, telling me I could do it, just a little bit more. Both helping me when my emotions wanted to take over and give up.

…. For in this same room, May 10, 2004, I gave birth to a 10 lb. baby boy, Alexander Thomas… my two sons, who would forever change my life.

In the time before Roe v. Wade, there was no joyful delivery, no time to say hello, no one coaching you in breathing. No one encouraged you, and shared in your joys and sorrow. No one was there to help you through it. You were left to your own; you were left to deal with things on your own.

In 2006, Keaton’s Momma and I sat on the edge of my hospital bed, while he lay sleeping in the bed side crib. And we cried with each other; vowing that we would always make sure Keaton knew how much he was loved. She cried because, she knew how hard this was; I love my son so much, I wanted nothing more than to be able to care for him, but I couldn’t. She knew the selfless love I was enduring was the most painful kind. And I knew, she would always make sure that he knew how much he is loved. We shared tears, hugs, and promises to always stay in touch, always visit when the time allows, and always keep each other posted on any life changing events that might be of interest. We talked about what the first visit might look like, or the first phone call. She promised lots of photos and e-mails. And she never broke her promise!!

In the time before Roe v. Wade there was nothing. A room shared with 4 other un-wed mothers who gave birth about the same time as you. You got four cold lonely days in the hospital, with visits with your baby for feedings, and a discharge at the end. There was no contact with the adoptive parents; there were no letters, or photos, no phone calls, or e-mails. There was nothing.

You see, my family knew about the pregnancy, they knew about the adoption, they knew everything. There was so secret; I was not ashamed to say I had this child inside of me, because the more and more I got to know R&H, the more and more I realized, the protection we used, and any other devices we may have had at our disposal would have been no good. This child, Keaton, growing in my belly, was created by God, for R&H, and it was my blessing, and curse, to give this child to them.

The blessing came in the form of a family; I wanted my son to have siblings, and he would. I wanted my son to have a mother who would love him just as much as I would, he got two! I wanted my son to never need or want for anything, and they were able to provide that for them. I was not able to care for this child that God placed in my womb, but I was blessed to find a family, rather, I was blessed to have God point me in the direction of this family, who could.

The Curse is plain and simple; I had to say, good-bye. I have to grieve. Yes, “have” not “had”. As BirthMothers, I don’t believe we ever end our grieving process; open, closed, semi-open, inner-family – I don’t think we will ever stop grieving for the child who once laid in our womb, but never in our home.

Remember,
You are LOVED,
Always,
Me

Adoption; Then & Now series

I have to admit, when I first found out I was pregnant, adoption was not my first choice. I couldn’t hand my baby to someone who was going to make a 500 yard pass across the hospital to people I didn’t even know! I was only a few weeks along, but I already knew I loved my baby. And I couldn’t just let anyone have him. In the time before Roe v. Wade

I sat down at the computer and figured I might as well look into it anyways, because, as it was, I couldn’t even support my daughter and myself. So, away I went.

www.yahoo.com -> Enter key word, “Adoption”

“Pet Adoption”
“Animal Adoption”
“International Adoption”
“Open Adoption”
“Closed Adoption”

Wait, what is open adoption?

Yep, those two words changed my mind that very minute; Open Adoption.

You can get photos, updates, letters in the mail, and visits?!?!?
I had no idea, not in my wildest dreams that you could visit with the child you gave up for adoption. (Yes, I said gave up, bear with me!)

I remember finding a few websites where you could browse through families like you were picking out a gift for someone. “How strange”, was the only thing I remember thinking. It was like I was shopping for a family for my child. Didn’t the adoptive family usually shop for a baby for their family??

After a few days, I sent a few e-mails, but never got any response. Apparently I wasn’t appealing enough for their taste in breeds.

Then, I found a website for the Independent Adoption Center in Illinois, or the IAC for short. They too, like many of the other web sites, had profiles of families you could browse through. After searching and searching, I finally came across a profile, and there was a family picture of two Mommies, and a daughter from their first adoption; all three with big beautiful smiles and glowing eyes, as if to say “Here we are! We have been waiting for you!!” And waiting they were…

Later I found out that, for some odd reason, their profile had not been working, and had JUST started working the day I started to search on the IAC web site.

Well, I looked, and looked, and looked some more. But I always ended up reading their profile. Finally, I sent an e-mail to them, and H responded within minutes. I was shocked, scared, worried. Now that I made contact, did it mean I had to go through with it? Did it mean they now, by some odd adoption right, had claim to my child?

Well, they didn’t. They made it pretty clear that this was not a legal thing until the baby was born, and they were there, for now, as a resource. Weather I decided to pick them or not, they were willing to help answer any questions I had. And, they did.

The rest if history, or course. Because now, they are, in my opinion, the best parents I could have chosen for my son J

SO, the point is, between then and now, so much has changed. We as a society have grown so much more empathetic. We understand the need for a parent and child to have a bond, Birth or Adoptive.  Yes, Parent, not just the Mother.

I’m sorry, but it’s not just the BirthMother who suffers some sort of loss or grief. I really would LOVE to hear from some Birthfathers who have gone through the process of placing a child up for adoption.

Oh… did you see the change in jargon? Rather than “Giving away” I said “placing”. Yes, because it has changed!

From the early days until now, we have made so much progress in the placement of children in Adoption. Unfortunately, there are instances where the child, for its own safety is taken from the parent, and given (by the agency or church) to an adoptive family. But, when it comes to a mother, who is putting the needs of her child, before the wants of her heart, she is going through this heart wrenching process, of placing her child, in the best home possible, so that they are loved, and cared for.

In the time before Roe v. Wade the mothers didn’t have that option, and the fathers being a part of the decision was mostly unheard of. But now, that’s all changed. While you rarely ever heard of a Birthfather being part of the adoption plan, it does happen. This isn’t 1950 when it was the entire girls fault, and she was sent away as part of the punishment for doing this.

You see, between then and now, so much has changed; the rights, the information given to the birth mother, to the adoptive parents, the involvement of the birth father, the involvement of the families.

I encourage you, if you haven’t already to read the book “The Girls who Went Away” by Ann Fessler, an adoptee from the pre Row v. Wade era. I also encourage you to go back, and read my journey as a birth mother; my ups and downs, the ins and outs. Dig into the involvement I was able to have during the process. Then, come back, and read these blogs, my “Then and Now” blogs, so that you can really see how different things are.

I have pulled a lot of my info from books, and articles and web sites. But I want to hear from people as well. So, if you have a story you want to share, if you are a BirthMother, a BirthFather, and Adoptive Parent, an adoptee, or a member of either the Birth or Adoptive family, come forward and share your story. I would be more than happy to share your story here; I would gladly keep it anonymous and short, sharing as much detail as you wish, or simply one sentence that sums it up for you.

But, if you are able to write, I encourage you to have a blog. Make an alias and create a blog, use whatever name you wish, but please, share your story. If your child is 2 years old, or 62 years old, people need to hear your story, and you need to be heard.

Please, come out; come out, where ever you are.

The time to talk is now; the time to listen is NOW.

This next set of blog titled “Then and Now” are going to look at the differences between adoption Then (In the time before Roe v. Wade) and Now….

I hope you enjoy them!! Please leave comments if you want to add anything!

Remember,
You are LOVED,
Always,
Me

Remembering the BirthMom

I sit here in almost tears, after reading only the first 6 pages of “The Girls Who Went Away: The hidden history of Women who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades before Roe v. Wade” by Ann Fessler.

I beg you, be it that you are a Child of adoption, a Birth mother, Adoptive Mother, or any other family member; read this book!

I was ready to read a stale story of a matter-of-fact adoption where the baby was swept away and there was a long long fight for information. Wrong…

My heart stings were pulled from page 2.

This woman Ann, has, so far as I have learned, a Mother who has a heart that aches for the BirthMother. For the child’s first 3 birthdays there was an extra candle placed on the cake for the mother? I have never heard of such a thing; such a beautiful remembrance of the life being celebrated. A life that has roots somewhere else longing to know if this child is ok; The celebration of not just one life, but two.

Sometimes I wonder if or how the BirthMothers of today are celebrated in the adoptive family.

It hurts to know that some of these families do not even let the child know they are adopted; do they know what they are keeping from them? It is not just about pictures and updates about the child, but there are updates about the birth family as well.

What if there are significant health concerns that are hereditary and could be passed along to the birth child? Or, what if there are health concerns that have arisen in the birth child that the doctor informs the parents, “This is a health concern for future children as well.” That information needs to be passed along.

How can these things be kept?

I applaud those who keep an open adoption, even if it is private. If this is a private intimate relationship the two mothers share, or a forged bond both families have created, it is one that needs to be made.

I understand that there are times when the BirthMother is just emotionally unable to have an open adoption, times when the child who is placed was conceived in a non-consensual way. But health is still a concern; physical, and mental.

I sometimes find myself crying, simply imagining Keaton calling another woman Mommy. But then I remember, I was blessed with the ability to chose his parents. I had months to spend time with them; at doctors appointments, social outings, dinners, etc. We all wanted to make sure this bond was best for him. And thankfully, it was not rushed, it was not a quiet thing, it was not a secret. I was able to speak out about it, and be loud about it.

I may not have screamed from the roof tops “I am placing my baby up for adoption!!!” But every time someone asked me how far along I was, and if I was excited, I smiled, said yes, and shared the adoption plan.

I didn’t need anyones approval, I needed more so, to hear it come out of my own mouth. Is this really what I was going to do? Was I really about to hand my child to this couple, and give up all my rights to him? Was I really going to agree to miss out on his first word, first tooth, first step, etc? Was I really willing to do all this, when just 2 years prior, I had given birth to a son, and after it proving to be too much of an emotional strain, lost him to his father? Was I giving up my son?

Giving up?
Giving away?
Saying Good bye?
Abandoning?
Leaving?
Leaving Behind?
Left behind…

Left behind is perfect…

I remember sitting on the front porch, leaving my case manager in the dining room of my parent’s house. I wanted them to bring my son home, or I wanted to go with them. I felt like, I was, Left Behind.

I remember crying, thinking, they signed the papers, I hadn’t. I wanted to make them bring him back, I wanted to hold my son a little more, I wanted to sing to him once more, I wanted to feed him again, I wanted to count all his fingers and toes again. I wanted to hold him one last time…

My fear was, they had what they wanted. And as my case manager said, all of the promises we made, the adoption plan we made, it was all on faith and trust. There was no legally binding contract saying they had to send photos, make phone calls, or schedule visits. What if they never called me again? What if they never e-mailed me?

I finally got up, and walked back in, and signed the papers. I had no choice. I had nothing for him here; they had everything for him there.

I couldn’t even provide for my daughter who lived with me. Looking back now, I honestly don’t even know where her clothes or shoes came from. I know everything logical points to my mother providing these things. But, I was never able to provide them.

I remember the night of the entrustment ceremony, I showered, and walked out into the hallway, and heard my mother crying from her bedroom. I walked in, and knew she was crying for her grandson who had left our life. I don’t remember what she said to me, I just remember telling her “The best support you gave me, was supporting my decision.” We both cried for a while, and finally, we both needed sleep.

The first phone call I made was at almost 10pm.

First I said sorry for calling so late, and what I was expecting was rules to be laid out right away; this is when you can call, this is how much notice we need, etc, etc, etc. Instead I got, “Oh girl! We were just watching some DVR shows and feeding the little man.” I was relieved. I cryed, I asked questions, I cried, I laughed, I asked questions. It was as if a million pounds were lifted from my shoulders, and heart.

But, my heart still hurt.
My stomach was still empty.
I still cried.
I still slept with his hospital blanket sometimes.
I still clung to his hospital bracelet.
I still wanted my baby boy home with me.

Well, here I am, almost 5 ½ years later, and all those things still apply; yes, even the baby blanket. If you have read my past blogs you know the journey I have taken, the ups and downs; Not only with the adoption, but with my depression and mental illness as well.

You see, all of these things have built me into the woman I am today; scars and all.
I refuse to be silent and still, I must be loud and on the move; Even if only via my blog.

I applaud all of you birth mothers out there who put the needs of your child before the needs of your heart; and I applaud you adoptive parents who put the needs of your BirthMother right next to the needs of your child. 

Adoption doesn't DEFINE me

I find myself going back to this every once in a while.

Reminding myself, and others, that my life isn't just about Adoption.

I also have two other children, and a great big family.

Which this blog focuses on mostly my adoption trials, ups and downs, there are other aspects of my life that others should be aware of.

Kathleen is 8 years old, and the angel in my life. In the darkest days of my depression, her smile and hug and whisper "It will be ok" makes me realize a) how lucky I am, and b) how sadly she has had to grow up too fast. I pray that everything we have been thought as a family, including the adoption, makes her a stronger woman when she grows up.

Alexander is 7, and while he lives with his father about 3 hours away, he is still my shining star. He is truly Daddys little man' loves wrestling and sports, two things I can happily do without LOL.

It is very hard to have an active relationship with him, because they are so far away, and I dont drive. But, I call him when I can, and when its possible. And recently his father and I have been able to open up communications between us, so its been a lot easier. Alex and I used to have short phone conversations, but lately they are getting longer, and more detailed, more fun even. We used to have short 5 minute calls, "How are you?" "Whats new?" "how is school?" "I miss you"

But lately, they have been longer, full of laughs, and smiles, and stories about what we are doing. He is all boy, and not a talker, but when we get on the phone, its like we can open out minds, and close our eyes, and we can be sitting next to each other.

My sister is getting ready to welcome her second baby boy, and her first son is already 15!!

My brother who was on American Idol still dabbles in music, but is settling down more into the work force, as the music industry is not as easy as you may think.

My other brother who was diagnosed with Remissive MS back in October still fights every day to get back to 100% him! He has gone from a wheelchair to using just a cane in just a few short months!

Mom and Dad still live in the same house, and we often use it as the gathering place the family doings 

We will soon be using it for Andrews 27th birthday party!!!

See - My life isn't only about Adoption! Go to my profile and check out all my other blogs!

I have a personal blog about other things as well, so be sure to check there for more about me :-)

ClevelandMomma.blogspot.com

I hope to see some new followers on my other blog!

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

All Life has to Offer

I will be the first to admit that I have felt guilty.... that I have this underlining fear that my child will hate me.

No, not Keaton, but Kathleen.... my daughter who is at home with me.

Keaton is in a home where he wants for nothing, but is not spoiled. He is provided everything he needs, and is living happy.

But kathleen is here with me. Where shoes that fit comfortable only come once a year, if that. Where shut off notices are like wallpaper for our fridge, and where fear of how we will pay the biklls often fills out home with a stress thickened air.

I fear that she will grow to hate me... why did I decide this was enough for her, but not for him? Why was he given everything he could ever need, yet we can barely scrape to make ends meat?

I often wonder if Keaton will grow up to think little of us. He lives in this huge beautiful house with two livingrooms and a playroom off one of them.... their house looks like a model for Better Homes & Garden.

But our home.... its clutter struck... things laying around I fear to get rid of because, what if we need them one day? We don't have the money to go buy them again. Our home is small... stand in the diningroom hallway door and see every room in this place...

Keatons room is huge! Filled with clothes and stuffed animals, a dresser for his things, pictures on the walls...

Kathleens room has clothes thrown into it... on plastic crates because we cannot afford a dresser. Laundry baskets double as toy bins when they aren't being used... and the only "promising" thing she has is a TV with a dule DVD/VCR.

Her father will not pay child support... he has everything handed to him and there for has no need for any income. So, Andrews income supports us all.

I feel like my legs are failing me more and more each day. They have been a problem since 2008 but are getting worse and worse.

My inability to work outside the home is wearing on everyone. My anxiety and panic attacks have taken over my life. And the view from my front porch is all I can see of the world most days.

If Keaton knew this, that THIS is where he came from, would he still be proud to call us his birth family??

In closing, 

Remember, 

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me

Interference

So, my adoption has changed, and im not quite sure why, or how. But, I dont feel like I need to ask either.

Before you read any further, let me make a general statement... I DONT BLAME ANYONE. I chose this adoption, and I chose this couple because I trusted, and still trust them, to do what ever they think it right for Keaton.

In the beginning R&H made the adoption completely open. But, things were different. R worked full time, and H was a stay at home mom. Both shared parenting duties, but there was more time for me to contact them; they had more free time for the communication.

Well, that has changed. H is in school full time, so the time slots have filled quickly.

But, last year, KEatons (possible) BirthFather contacted me and stated he wanted information on Keaton and his parents. I refused! Its not my place to pass out their info. I would not betray their trust like that. Soon after, his mother contacted me, trying to convince me that it was in everyones best interest for them to have contact as well. I told her the most I would do is pass along the adoption agency info. Well, before I did this, I wanted to contact the adoption agency and make sure that by doing this, i wasnt breaching anyones trust, that R&H's info would not be given out, and that nothing would get broken.

I was assured it wouldnt.

Before I could even get back in touch with his mother, she emailed me a very nasty letter, and stated that she had already contacted a private investigatorand got all of the info on the adoption, and the aParents.

WHAT?!?!?!

I quickly e-mailed R&H to let them know that I did NOT give out any of their info, and that i tried as hard as I could to comfort the birthfatehr and his family, but in the end they took it into their own hands.

R&H also know that this man may not be the father - I was young and stupid and alone, i has slept with two differnt men in the course of a week.

This is one of the things I am ashamed of, but I am not ashamed of the outcome.

R&H were waiting for a son, and I was the one who was able to give them that gift.

But its hard; not knowing if the interrerence from the BFather is the reason there are no more e-mails, photos, or phone calls.

I always got a card on BirthMothers day (The Saturday before Mothers Day), but this year I didnt get anything. Just a short note on FB saying they were thinking of me.

I e-mailed them back, and asked if it was possible to get photos, or a phone call. They asked for my phone number again, but i havent heard anything yet.

All in all I would never change a thing about the adoption.

I am still proud to call them the parents of my son; I just wish I had personally done things different in the beginning.

The possible BirthFather was well into drugs, had some issues with the law he was taking care of; and I tried to tell him about it. I remember fights we had over the phone about it. But, he never realized the responsibility... and the other man only offered to pay for an abortion... and when that became too late, he said he would take custody from me, and not by my choice.

In the end, I am glad, and proud of the decision I made.

Anyways, today is my Son's birthday, Alex, and he is 7. It makes me think of Keaton... I wonder what he looks like, how much he is like me, how much he is like the BFather, how much he is like his parents.

I missed his first step, first word, etc.... and I wonder what all of them were....

I just, miss him

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me