Monday, September 26, 2011

Fears & Tears

I've been debating for the last Month and a half on sending my BirthSon a letter in the  mail. I think, I THINK, I have decided to send one to him, along with his parents.

I have sent them an e-mail, and each a message on FaceBook, but have not gotten a responce from either. Its heart breaking, you know? I dont like to contact them a lot because I know they are busy, but even a simply, "Hey, we got and read your letter, we will respond as soon as we get a free minute." would be more then amazing.

There is the me from 2006 that says they would never ignore me or brush me aside or push me out of Keatons life. But then there is the 2011 me who has been through so much since then that says they are slowly cutting contact with me because they feel im not a good link for Keaton right now.

It scares me, a lot. More then a lot. I've hidden Keatons Box behind my nephews Pack-N-Play, and it usually stays covered with a blanket. Its very hard for me to think about him. I will be honest, there are some days I try to NOT think about him. And I've succeeded at going even a week without thinking of him once. And its hard, but it sucks and releases the pain all at the same time.

I don't have anyone to talk to about it, and those who shared the journey with me those few days are emotionally and physically unavailable to me right now, so, I have no one to share memories with.

I want to talk to the people who were there with me about it; my mom about the hospital visits and the Entrustment ceremony, my Aunt about the day she picked me up from the Hospital and drove me home. I want to talk to my Sister about the ceremony, and the dinner she all shared that night - his new family and mine.

I want to talk to R & H about the dedication ceremony and visits with them the first two years. I want someone to talk to me, and tell me they remember to.

He is becoming more of a dream, and less of a reality. Something I try more often to forget then remember, because I cant deal with it on my own any more.

I can talk to my counselor all I want, but she was not there, she did not hold me when I cried, she cannot hold me when I cry.

And as much as I love Andrew, he does not know what type of emotions I am dealing with. he was not there. I feel as if all of this was a big dream - I find myself wondering if I dreamed it all up.

Was there even ever a baby? Are R & H the A-Parents? Who am I calling when I dial that number? Did the Entrustment ceremony ever truly take place? Did we all pack into that tiny corner restaurant by the church? Were those adoption agencies just places that my mind created?

Truth: I feel as if Keaton never existed some days, because I have no one to talk to about him.

Lie: I....... (fill in the blank)


you are LOVED,

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