Friday, May 13, 2011
All Life has to Offer
I will be the first to admit that I have felt guilty.... that I have this underlining fear that my child will hate me.
No, not Keaton, but Kathleen.... my daughter who is at home with me.
Keaton is in a home where he wants for nothing, but is not spoiled. He is provided everything he needs, and is living happy.
But kathleen is here with me. Where shoes that fit comfortable only come once a year, if that. Where shut off notices are like wallpaper for our fridge, and where fear of how we will pay the biklls often fills out home with a stress thickened air.
I fear that she will grow to hate me... why did I decide this was enough for her, but not for him? Why was he given everything he could ever need, yet we can barely scrape to make ends meat?
I often wonder if Keaton will grow up to think little of us. He lives in this huge beautiful house with two livingrooms and a playroom off one of them.... their house looks like a model for Better Homes & Garden.
But our home.... its clutter struck... things laying around I fear to get rid of because, what if we need them one day? We don't have the money to go buy them again. Our home is small... stand in the diningroom hallway door and see every room in this place...
Keatons room is huge! Filled with clothes and stuffed animals, a dresser for his things, pictures on the walls...
Kathleens room has clothes thrown into it... on plastic crates because we cannot afford a dresser. Laundry baskets double as toy bins when they aren't being used... and the only "promising" thing she has is a TV with a dule DVD/VCR.
Her father will not pay child support... he has everything handed to him and there for has no need for any income. So, Andrews income supports us all.
I feel like my legs are failing me more and more each day. They have been a problem since 2008 but are getting worse and worse.
My inability to work outside the home is wearing on everyone. My anxiety and panic attacks have taken over my life. And the view from my front porch is all I can see of the world most days.
If Keaton knew this, that THIS is where he came from, would he still be proud to call us his birth family??
You are LOVED,