Monday, October 26, 2009

Christmas Time....12-26-06

Christmas Time....
Well, people told me it would be hard, and, it was. Christmas eve was the worst. Everyone getting ready, going to parties, getting Kat dressed, talking to Nate and Alex, listening to what everyone is doing. And realising, Keaton isnt with me. I thought it would be so much easier. I made this decision, and i am happy with the decision i made. And the hardest thing is, or weirdest i should say, is that, when "H" did call me lastnight, it didnt bother me one bit. I was happy she called, and it made me smile, and when i heard Keaton fussing in the background, i thought, "awww", and told her i would let her go to tend to the baby. And i was smiling about it. It didnt bother me.
My fear? Im disconnected the two, the child i had inside me, and the child they are now raising. I think i cry more over not feeling remorse, or guilt, then i do anything else. There are times i cry, when i just want to hold him, and cuddle to him. But i know he is being held and cuddled by two wonderful mommies. But, christmas is the hardest. You see all of the families out shopping, and you see the babies dressed up for the holidays. And you wonder, "whats he wear?", or "I wonder what he's doing right now", or "I wonder if he is getting fussy from all the things going on". I wonder if he is crying, if he is eating, if he is being fussy, i wonder if he is ok. But then, i know he is. Its just these fears I have sometimes. But, then i look back, and remember why i chose the parents i did, and i know he is well taken care of. And, i think in a way, the only way i can reassure myself that i did the right thing, and that i dont have to miss him, is by looking at his parents.
Things ended up so differently then I think any of us expected. H & R were well aware of all my "troubles", i was very open and honest with them. I didnt see any reason to lie. We set ground rules, and agreed to them. We talked about e-mails, phone calls, visits. But then, Keaton was here, and all those things got thrown out the window. They actually wanted me to come visit! They sent me a gas card to get there, and they gave my daighter and I x-mas presents, and eveything. We have become family, instead of distant friends from another town.
In the end, i know i did the right thing, because God showed my the path, and i walked it. That was all i could do. And this Christmas, i got exactly what i asked for, a phone call, and a letter. I got the family news letter, and a phone call on Christmas eve. So, if any of you have read my Dear Santa letter, then you know how i feel now.... Santa is real, and no bully is going to tell me he isnt. Because this year, he gave me the best present of all, a wonderful home for my baby boy.
2006-12-26 13:31:51 GMT

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