Monday, October 26, 2009

coming up on two years 10-06-08

coming up on two years
I "abandon" this profile long time ago, because i thought, "My adoption is different, i dont need to talk to someone about it, its amazing."
Well, its been a year, and time has proven me wrong. nothing has chnged, they are still the most amazing parents i codul have ever chosen for my son; but i think i was mistaken when i thought i wouldnt have any problems. And i dont have any problems with them, I have problems with myself. There were things that happened n the first three days of his life i wish i could have changed, but they are over and done, and I cant go back and change them now. So, i deal with those feelings of guilt, and loss, and regret. But i very seldom use those words. I dont like them, because people always view them as negative.
But, here I am two years later, and things are good...
R & H are amazing, and they have a great family, i couldnt have asked for more. But there are still times when BirthParents wonder, "what if i took 5 more minutes?"
Well, that 5 minutes is come and gone, but i know with R&H i have years to come. But, there are atill those days.. and yep, there will still always be those "but"s... i think its natural. I hope it is, lol. I talk about them all the time, have pictures of all of them hanging up a work, and pray that there are other aParetns out there like them for bParents like me. I know im a special case.. I have a daughter at home, she always talks about both of her brothers. And its good, because when Kathleen as me about Keaton, I can be open, and say what i think... because its ALWASY good.
Pretty soon he will be having surgery, and it scares the crap out of me. Part of me thinks, "I shoudl take the day off so i can be there." But then I think more about it, and wonder, "Why? He has two amazing parents who will be there to take care of him, and they will tell me how things go! He will be just fine!!"
But then i cry a little, because i miss him. But he is always with me in my heart, i just know that he is in a better home.
2008-10-06 18:08:03 GMT

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